A letter I doubt I’ll be sending….to Suri Cruise.

Dear Suri

I don’t know if you can read yet, I know you go to scientology school. I have a feeling you might know more about Zenu and the alien beings that are trapped inside human bodies called Thetans than you do about the alphabet…. So I’ve included lots of pictures for you.

Just incase you can read,  I wanted to tell you that all the people who are saying you should not still be drinking from a bottle  at 4 years old don’t mean to pick on you.  You ignore them ok?

They are just upset with your dad. Mainly since Vanilla Sky, but also for a string of distractingly bad movies that they would like their money back for. Well the movies, and the couch jumping that you will probably cringe at one day like we all did, except that it’s your father so it’s worse for you, (sorry about that.)

Also – when you’re older you might start seeing pictures of yourself getting in and out of helicopters, going back stage at broadways productions, or pictures like the ones I’ve included below wearing Dolce & Gabbana trench coats, carrying designer handbags, and buying lipstick… and these photos will be accompanied by headlines like, “Suri Cruise’s Spoilt Life” or “Suri Cruise: Proud Owner of a $30,000 Toy Car.”

There may be some other funny things you come across too. Like that your father isn’t your father; or that your father shortlisted a bunch of women to be your mother; or that you’re your father has sucked the life out of Joey Potter good and proper.

Look the stuff about you – just ignore. In a few years everyone will forget about you until you’re 16 years old and discovering boys, drugs and what it feels like to wear no underpants.  If your mum gets knocked up again you might even get a break sooner than you think.  The stuff about your parents though, that will probably persist.

Here’s my suggestion. Lay low.  Quit with the designer threads and the high heels and stop flaunting your fabulous lifestyle all over town. Normally I’d be writing to your mother about this, but she told everyone YOU’RE the one who chooses your clothes, and YOU decide what time to go to bed, and now we see YOU decide what to drink from.  So the ball is in your court.  Despite what granma told you, you can’t have your cupcake and lick the icing too.

If you don’t want the headlines to continue – stop now.  Put away your flamingo number and start dressing like Violet Affleck.  Nobody accuses her of anything but being happy.

I tell you what though Suri, you are one very stylish little girl, and given the selection of clothing you have chosen for yourself,  I’d say you should be knocking on Anna Wintour’s door for a job!

I hope you know how lucky you are that your parents give you US$3 million to spend on your wardrobe. Maybe some time I can come and visit you, and you can choose some clothes for me too.

Anyway, remember what I said. Now you be a good girl and go and tell your mum to make herself a strong cup of coffee. And maybe suggest she gets a spray tan, and for goodness sake… do something cute so she’ll smile.

Lots of love

PS – Also – if you get a quiet moment with your dad, can you ask him to stop doing anything in front of a camera for a while. Like forever?



  1. Dani · April 12, 2010

    This is gold Cindy!!!! You rock!

  2. sonjah · April 14, 2010

    Haha, maybe Suri would like to trade in her milky bottle for a hotwheels track like Owen did just recently. It seems to have worked so far and his appetite has improved. I do find it nauseating to hear how much is spent on her clothing though. Also the heels are a bit off ! What does she have to look forward to? Oh of course … heroin, that will be fun for her and will also upset her father quite a bit.

  3. Pingback: When HATE takes hold « Cyclone Cindy
  4. Pingback: Baby Couture Magazine » Blog Archive » The Romantics Cast and Crew Falls For Suri Cruise

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