Regrets? Yeah… make mine a double.

(An extended remix verison of Cyclone Cindy as seen in October 2011 issue of DarwinLife Magazine)

I used to sometimes wear red leather pants. I don’t know who deserves an apology more – cows or people… But honestly, if I had a dollar for every time I started my evening by putting on some leather pants and stilettos, moonwalked on a podium, snorted pepper, texted an ex – then made out with someone I totally should not have, and finished it off by eating something that essentially led me to investigate the floor of a room that had a toilet in it, I’d have three dollars and fifty cents worth of regret.

I wish I was one of those, “Sure I’ve done some stupid things but I put it down to experience…. Regrets? No, never!” kind of people. Because as Jennifer Aniston once said, “There are no regrets in life, just lessons.” Mind you, Jennifer Aniston probably also once said, “Hey Brad… put down the weed and come and read that script you got sent. This Mr & Mrs Smith screenplay  is fantastic. You should totally do it.”

And look how that turned out.

We’ve all done things we regret. I’ve certainly done some stupid things and… DOINK!  Forget experience and learning curves ok? I am NOT a better person for the silly things I’ve done that I regret. And neither is Charlie Sheen. Or the Australian Labour Party.  Here’s some more examples of regrets I have that DID NOT make me a better person:

Breaking up.– We’re all pillars of dignity when it comes to most things, but a good ole fashioned dumping can always turn you into an insane person. Once when this guy and I broke up, I wrote him a song because he thought I had a beautiful voice. Although… he also thought I looked like Catherine Zeta Jones so I’m kinda left questioning the accuracy of his senses.  So anyway in a bid to let him know I didn’t care, I wrote: The water underneath our bridge is a glass of no regret. I sent it to him. A few months later he told me he was engaged. I won’t go into details regarding my behaviour. Let’s just say Helen Mirren would not be pleased. And that glass of no regret? Tsunami.

Fashion choices. I’ve done the military look, the grunge look, the cowboy look, the rock chic look (enter leather pants) and blue eyeshadow. I’m not proud of who I sometimes dressed like (a moron), but I’m totally over that phase! What jumpsuit? I don’t know.

That kebab. Sure, this 24 hour take-away looks mildy dodgy and the lady serving looks like she just spent 30 minutes outside the chemist waiting for her prescription, but you’re hungry! However not all fast food is created equal and there’s a good chance your pancreas will say “To hell with it” and spurt it out your mouth, and you’ll spend the night in a sick sweat with visions of e-coli tomatoes dancing in your head.        

High School. I listened to a lot of George Michael. I talked WAY too much in class, signed my name on tests as Cindy Trent D’arby and was usually late. However, I was a good girl. And reasonably fun. I wish I hadn’t spent so much time basing my personality on everybody else’s. I wish I hadn’t worn my fringe teased so high. I wish I hadn’t been so scared of people named Alyssa Green. I wish I had just said ‘MY SELF-ESTEEM WON’T BE DICTATED by how many boys like me, or the fact that I’m not rich and famous like Madonna.’

Not telling him.  Of course I was nuts about him. Everyone knew it. Even after that Hey-This-Brief-Crazy-Fling-Was-Fun-While-It-Lasted ‘thing’ we did. I was pretending it was cool after we broke up. There were nights I stayed up listening to some crappy music, imagining us romping through fields together and hugging kittens on a cloud of rainbows. If I had that time again, I would let you know every time your laugh was the best thing I heard all day. How just being with you was awesome. You made me one cheesy piece of crap and you never knew.

Sun damage. I mean…. Solarium damage. Living through two Melbourne winters got me addicted. That bed was like cocaine to me. That brown bimbo at the counter was my dealer, and the accelerator cream she recommended was like lacing my crack with prescription drugs. Except instead of dying dubiously in my hotel room and getting a well publicised autopsy report that Entertainment Tonight filled a whole show with, I got freckles. And wrinkles. And this regret will probably be with me til I die, hopefully not from skin cancer. Presumably not from an overdose.


Treating your mum like a jerk. We all get into bad moods and take them out on people we love the most. But when we were sixteen a ‘curfew’ felt as though it was some Communist asshole imposition on us by the tyrants that are our parents. But my mother CONTORTED HER ORGANS to give me life and it was very painful. My mother is a very nice woman who doesn’t ever want bad things to happen to me, and tells me things for my own good. Yes I look like a tart in that skirt. And yes I should be careful. And yes, I should not put my elbows on the table like a caveman who suddenly had access to tables. She was right, she was right this whole time.

It’s interesting to note that Edith Piaf was addicted to opiate-based painkillers when she wrote “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.”  For the low-brow amongst you, that would be like Lady Gaga taking ecstacy before writing, “Just Dance.”   Also when Britney Spears sang “Ooops I did it again” I don’t think she seemed very sincere, and I doubt she meant that ‘oops’ part at all.  However I DO think she might now be sorry about all that red leather.

Look what I’m saying is that we all have regrets that fail to inspire self enlightenment – small and big. The eating an entire tub of Nutella kind – The paying money to see a Tom Cruise movie kind – The not serving Julia Roberts even if she’s dressed like a hooker kind… and then WOOPS!

Um… the kind where you have a car accident in someone else’s car because you were applying mascara while driving. And then… WOOPS! You accidentally have another car accident because you were taking off your stilettos while reversing because you could feel the heels getting damaged on the accelorator and brake pads. Actually he shouldn’t even have been parked there but whatever. Go ahead and make my regret a double.

And say what you want about learning curves and journeys, because not all mistakes lead to enrichment.  Regret is human nature and if we actually had a dollar for every time we did something stupid – the biggest idiots would be the richest. And we’ve all seen what happens when iditos get rich.  I’m looking at you Reality TV.

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The reason for the season

(As seen in December 2010 issue of DarwinLife Magazine)

PREFACE: I wrote this for the mag last year – with a promise to repost in time for party-goers this year. I realise it’s too late for some, but for those of you celebrating tonight, consider this the desperate plea of someone who is not very fond of idiots at Christmas time and is moving states in 4 days and has taken precious time out from packing to tell you some important information.

I LOVE December. I love fruit-mince pies and chocolate-coated almonds. I love legitimate excuses to shop. I love decorating anything that doesn’t move. I love celebrating with family, and friends and I love that there are parties everywhere.

Parties. Hmmm.

For every aspect I love, there’s a down side. With all of December’s good time promises and parties, there are moments to embrace self restraint. Because when it comes to celebrating the silly season; just like relationships, credit cards, and tampons, there’s always strings attached.

The Christmas Party provides the perfect opportunity to lose your dignity. Or your wallet. Or your knickers.  Let this be a Cyclone Cindy Warning to you all.

DRESSING: Just because it’s hot, doesn’t mean you should wear an outfit that covers less than a towel. Wearing lots of necklaces doesn’t make it a fancy towel.  Wearing reindeer ears or a Santa hat doesn’t make it a cute towel.  And those sexy shoes you love, the ones you are certain love you back just as much –  will probably rip your foot skin off until it gets blistered, wet and red and you limp around like a deranged person. It will ruin your night, and possibly your ability to wear thongs for the entire wet season.

SWEARING: Even if; “How the f*** are ya?” is a common phrase around your workplace, the Christmas Party is not the time to impress your colleagues with the most ever swear words used in a sentence. Even if you are discussing your last power bill.

DRINKING: Firstly; the only people that really enjoy shooters are under-aged or still at uni. Remember the time you drank so much you projectile vomited your feelings and kidneys into the toilet while trying to read the poster on the back of the loo-door about safe sex, in order to pass time between wretches? Or when you peed in your pants and got lost? Or what about the time you got so smashed you vomited on the dance-floor then slipped in your own spew and landed with your skirt up over your head and your ass in the air? Try not to let this be the night you promise to give up drinking forever.

DANCING: Guys: when dancing, you may not be aware but you actually release a strong odour of cheap deodorant. Smelled from miles away, sometimes this musky gym scent attracts drunk women to your pelvic region, at which time they will rub their bottoms against it. This is not actually dancing. This is a precursor for making out. Making out in front of your boss is creepy. Especially if the girl is wearing a cute towel.

HOMEWARD BOUND: If you start sexting, taking photos with your tongue out, or telling the bouncer your sad life story, it’s time to go home. Go directly home. Do not collect $200 from the ATM and do not pass McDonalds.

Whatever December brings for you, remember that you can’t spell party without try, and you can’t spell season without ass. So try not to be an ass, and have a Merry Christmas!

 

 

 

Waving the Aussie flag….. Somewhere across your torso!

Australia Day has changed a bit since I was young and free. We’d rejoice by going down to the Perth foreshore and watching the sky light up while a local radio station did live simulcast with INXS, Jimmy Barnes, Kylie Minogue and ACDC.  I’m sure that plenty of Perth’s population continue to do just that. It’s a fun day that includes a picnic with friends overlooking a stunning horizon.

The difference is…  Back when I used to go, I wore what I wanted.

Over the last decade I’ve noticed a very interesting trend on Australia Day, and one which I believe started after the spike in patriotism during the Sydney 2000 Olympics…

Hmm. What to wear today…. I know…  A flag!

Yes that’s right. I’m talking about the hillbillies who cover their skin with temporary flag tattoos, not content with the massive Aussie flag-cape draped across their shoulders. Who do they think they are? Oz-Man? Here to save the country from foreigners or migrants; one Tooheys New at a time?

Or the flag wearing slappers who think wearing the Aussie flag around their boobies makes them look super patriotic. Hell Yeah it does, because look!  They’re wearing flag earrings, and red thongs to match the union jack, with their miniscule denim shorts that go right up their clacker separating the 2 sides of their brain; shorts that should probably stay in their wardrobe until they’ve spent 4 weeks with Tony Ferguson.

But not everyone has access to a flag. They’re the ones who rummage through their closet to find anything green and yellow. Not gold. Gold is a precious commodity. BRIGHT Yellow synthetic polyester fabric that if you ask me; should be reserved for emergency and road workers. Then for some reason they team it with a wig. At least they recognise they look like clowns.

Look I don’t have a problem with our flag. Or the Australian colours. I have cried watching that flag wave. I have had proud patriotic moments seeing my flag flap about in the warm breeze. The Sydney Olympics was one of those moments. Anzac Day is one of those moments. The time I was in a Thailand 7/11 and saw an Aussie flag that led me straight to the packs of Tim Tams and Cadbury chocolate was one of those moments….

And watching some of our athletes wear green aqua and gold yellow have been some of the most inspiring, capturing  and memorable experiences of my life. Like Cathy Freeman’s run at the Sydney Olympics. Or Tim Cahill’s goals in the World Cup. Or The Wallabies beating England… any time really.

Or Matt Shervington.

I’m not judging those who embrace Australia Day as a day to celebrate our incredible country. And it really is. You only have to look at the last few weeks following the flood disasters in Qld to realise what a generous, friendly, and supportive bunch we are.  Our nation is young, and we’ve been built tough.  We’re informed, we’re savvy and we don’t like taking crap from our own, or anyone else.

And our land, despite the erratic biatch she’s been lately, is remarkable.  Just ask Oprah.

So who wouldn’t want to get out there and celebrate and get smashed and have a barbie and eat lamingtons and adorn themselves in patriotic paraphernalia because we’re bloody A-strayan, and f**** oath mate, we’re proud of it!

I’ve been fortunate enough to have lived in 4 different states of this country, and each capital city seems to have their own way of celebrating Australia Day.

Perth as I already mentioned – was based around the evening fireworks with a game of cricket in the park and a picnic while we waited for the sun to set.

In Sydney, it was more of a day event and we would take the boat out and eat French cheese, crudités with hummus and Italian sausage, and watch all the other boats and people while floating along the harbour.

In Melbourne we did picnics provided it wasn’t raining.

And in Darwin? Well most people go the pub or have a barbecue at home while listening to Triple J’s Hottest 100, because it absolutely IS raining, and unless you want to “Picnic At Water-logged Rock” outdoors is no place to be.

And in every state, there is certainly flag presence. We see the flag being dragged across a perfect blue sky by a chopper, or watch the flags rise on either side of the Harbour Bridge, and we cheer. We might even break into a chorus of Waltzing Matilda, because we like to remember that in this country – you steal, you die!

BUT – the overbearing presence of flag-wear is to me a little disrespectful. Like blasphemy. Misguided nationalism. Using it as an excuse to everyone you come into contact with today that – “Yes, you’re celebrating, and you’re going to be very drunk and disorderly later, but it’s ok because I bear the Southern Cross” Or “Yes, you’re celebrating so you have every right to walk the streets being boisterous and disrespectful and a general pain in the arse because see that? That’s a wig. A green one!”

In Australia we are lucky to even have the option of “donning” the flag. The US Flag Laws and Regulations, states: “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding or drapery . . .”

In China wearing the flag is seen as form of major disrespect. And although Australian’s are much more laid back when it comes to matters of national patriotism; and banning the use of our flag for apparel might seem ridiculous and OTT, you have to recognise a greater level of respect for a flag that’s not made into string bikinis.

Vegemite wrestlers wearing the flag. Just.

I probably sound like an uptight, stuck up judgmental cow about now. Actually, when I was younger, I’d be the first one in there – looking for an excuse to ‘dress up for the occasion.’

But how we dress affects how we act, (I’m not even going to qualify this well know fact with research or stats. It’s proven ok?) And I don’t know why, but people who wear the Aussie flag on Australia Day act like big tools.

How about this: If you’re going to make or sell anything bearing the Australian flag, you attach a label that reads as follows:

WARNING: This item of clothing may cause the person wearing it to act like a complete yobbo, drink too much, be offensive and possibly get arrested.

CARE INSTRUCTIONS: Do not bleach. Do not tumble dry. Do not iron. Do not dry clean. Don’t bother. It’s probably covered in beer, piss and vomit and should be discarded immediately after use.

MADE IN CHINA

Halloween and Melbourne Cup. Is there a difference?

Halloween is a silly event. Silly but fun. As one of my friends on Facebook so perfectly summed up: She loves Halloween, but wonders why Aussies still can’t embrace a reason to dress up, party and have a serious sugar fix! Amen to that sista!

Halloween has grown in popularity in recent years but there are still plenty of haters. I think it’s because we Aussies don’t like anyone knocking on our door, unless we expect them. Insurance salesmen, Seventh Day Adventists, and Trick-or-Treaters. They might as well be vermin.

I will admit to almost spitting out my juice when I opened up the Coles catalogue only to see a double page spread on pumpkin specials, and cheap lollies and chocolate to “stock up for trick or treaters this Halloween..” Wouldn’t have seen that one twenty years ago!

But what we have embraced is the excuse to party. Every year we see photos of celebs on their way to Halloween bashes, so we want to do it too.

As a result – most Australian’s under the age of 50 are fairly willing participants in the Halloween ‘party.’ Particularly some of today’s female youth who practically salivate at the opportunity to dress like a stripper.

                               Kim Kardashian, The Hilton sisters and Pink

             Heidi Klum, Glee’s Matthew Morrison and Christina Aguilera

Anyway – Halloween is over for another year. But it really is like an unwanted hair. No matter how many times you cut it or pluck it, it’s going to come back.  Probably stronger and more alive than it ever was before.

~~~

Melbourne Cup is another silly event. Silly but fun. But many more Aussies have embraced this day on the calendar. And why wouldn’t they?

It’s a reason to dress up, party, try your luck at picking a winning horse, and have a serious champagne fix. And – the only pumpkins you’ll see are the ones who failed to get a decent spray tan.

Melbourne cup has also grown in popularity. To be honest I’m really tired and I can’t be bothered checking the actual stats on that , like I so often do – because you know – I’m super dedicated to facts…..

But I know that a couple of years ago they limited ticket sales to those who purchased PRIOR to cup day. And they were capping it at 120,000. Which means they must have believed it would go over that if they didn’t limit numbers. Which means it must have been getting more popular.

Doesn’t take a genius….

And as Melbourne Cup has grown in popularity with celebrities and elite social sets, so too its popularity has rippled down to the bogans and slappers of the world. Those who don’t understand that when attending any sport involving horses, one must be a lady or gentleman at all times. One must be dignified and respectful…. Distinguished and refined.

I’ve posted here before on appropriate racewear – and how the masses tend to ignore this age old rule of race-going. But still every year they turn out. Scuzzy and sloshed. And you know, you wouldn’t have seen that twenty years ago either.

I also wrote briefly on ‘costume attire’ for the races, and how it’s kind of okay and funny in groups, but on your own it’s just freaky.

So I can only come up with 1 good reason for these get-ups.

  Ruby Rose and her Elvira hair, Jennifer Hawkins as Minnie Mouse, Kate Waterhouse as the Statue of Liberty?

            Sophie Monk as little Indian girl, Brynne Edelsten as Vegas showgirl, and designer Zandra Rhodes as Britney Spears – the crazy years.

Is this the result of a dare? A lost bet? If not – can someone politely inform them that Halloween was 2 days before Cup day, and perhaps they should’ve changed the headwear?

I cut myself shaving… and my legs look FAAAABULOUS!

 

Okay so we’ve vajazzled our va-jay-jays, bejazzled our butt cracks (yep, failed to post on that one but yes – you can), and apparently (not to be sexist) men can now ‘penazzle’ – which is something I just NEVER want to see. I mean has any bloke yet to be penazzled? Because I would like to meet the brave soul willing to make sparkling history for all mankind…

bajazzled butt cracks

Actually it seems that lately, wherever there’s flesh, what the heck – BLING IT ON!

Because now fashion designer Cynthia Rowley has designed bling for boo-boo’s. She worked closely with Johnson and Johnson to create the sparkly bandaids for charity. Well kind of charity. $1 from proceeds (they cost $10 a tin) actually go to ‘Design Ignites Change,’  an organisation engaging high school and college students with design and architecture specific to social issues in local communities.

Regardless of the purpose behind these… I want some.

I’ll admit I thought the leather look bandaids were a bit erch…  Unless you’re cutting your wrists, in my opinion they would look out of place. Who wants leather look patches on their ankles or fingers or knees?  Same goes for the Louis Vuitton bandaids – Oh Yes. I’m super rich and successful because look! My Bandaids are designer! And then you’ve got your Twilight Eclipse brand of bandaids, for those annoying times when your vampire boyfriend can’t keep his teeth to himself!

 

But the Dress Up Bandaids would look good on any body part. But there’s a good chance you’re thinking right now, Why bother – who cares about bandaids?

Maybe I’m clumsy but I tend to require the use of a bandaid often. Whether it’s for a blister from wearing heels, paper cuts, cutting up onion cuts, shaving cuts, etc… I do use them. But they’re ugly.

You know clear bandaids, the ones you supposedly can’t see? They’re very visible. And the skin-tone ones never match your skin exactly. It was once even said that bandaids were racist because they were all made for Caucasian skin tones. Bandaid makers corrected that and made an array of shades, which I’m guessing are still way off.

There is the common belief that it’s best to let a wound ‘dry out’ in order to heal. But cuts and scrapes can become contaminated with dirt and germs. Bandaids protect the wound from water, dirt, other nasties that can cause infection, thereby helping to promote faster healing.

So now that we know bandaids are actually useful, unless they’re floating randomly in a swimming pool, or inside your chicken and avocado sandwich – in which case they’re just revolting, wouldn’t you rather wear bandaids that feature designs like strips of sequins, gold chains, lace and sparkling jewels? Like these?

HURT COUTURE – yes indeed!
So tell me…. What do you think of these?

I’m not a piece of meat!

Forget John Malkovich. Being Lady Gaga must be utterly exhausting. Her commitment to making sure every outfit is a statement of some deep personal belief is admirable, however this time I think; (along with half the world) she went too far.

So what’s my beef? Exactly!

Let me just say I’m not a vegetarian but both of my sisters are and I fully respect a person’s moral decision to refrain from eating animal bi-products. Whether it’s a 400gm porterhouse, or candy – like marshmallows that contain gelatine. (A protein produced by partial hydrolysis of collagen extracted from the boiled bones, cartilage, organs and intestines of animals like cattle, pigs and horses.)

I apologise now if you were just sitting down to a delicious cup of hot chocolate – with marshmallows.

Anyway – if Lady Gaga had covered herself in marshmallows, it would have practically gone unnoticed (for her). Hell, even a dress made of tampons would have been less shocking. But instead, she chose to make a statement covered in actual pieces of raw blood soaked meat.  She even went so far as to have matching shoes, bag and hat.

The designer behind the dress was Franc Fernandez and he told MTV that indeed, the meat was purchased from his local family butcher. He was apparently.. “glad it went so well.”

If you want to know about how he created the dress, you can read it on his blog here.

The look was styled by Nicola Formichetti, Gaga’s resident stylist who no doubt barely arched an eyebrow, let alone her back in disgust.

WHY WHY WHY? Was the question most asked.

When appearing on Ellen DeGeneres special MTV episode, Gaga explained,

“Well, it is certainly no disrespect to anyone that is vegan or vegetarian. As you know, I am the most judgment-free human being on the earth. However, it has many interpretations, but for me this evening … If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And I am not a piece of meat.”

You know what? Despite some people’s opinion, I’m not a tart either. But you didn’t see me contacting my local patisserie to see if they could fashion me a gown for the last awards ceremony I attended, from short crust pastry and lemons. Hmmm, although that could be – rather nice, although I do believe you need gelatin to make tart correctly.

Lady Gaga’s dress insulted many. Undoubtedly PETA, who also criticised her Japanese VOGUE magazine cover where she wore a meat bikini. But if you were not personally offended (I was not), you were probably just plain disgusted.

Thank goodness for the Oscars, where dignity and glamour are maintained. The MTV awards seem to be all about shocking, as per Gaga’s previous outfits.

Heaven help the day somebody puts Lady Gaga in an award winning movie. Because I just don’t want to see her on Hollywood’s night of nights sashaying down the red carpet in a controversial gown made of who knows what designed to press people’s buttons.

She is a pioneer in many respects when it comes to making a statement with fashion. She is extreme and outrageous and slightly perverted and mostly ridiculous. And this makes us sit up and take notice… And ask WHY? So in terms of marketing techniques to get her point across, she’s a genius.

But the only buttons she pressed for me in that meat dress was the OFF button. I’m sorry, I’m just not buying her justification for it. I think it was a follow on from a magazine cover that got huge press worldwide, and was designed to make us talk (which we are) about HER. Not the supposed statement she was making regarding standing up for our rights.

I love her message, I do. But her execution this time was just plain off.  In fact this meat dress is possibly the most perverted and narcissistic thing I’ve ever seen an entertainer pull off.  Sure. Many entertainers are permitted a certain license of eccentricity to get away with outlandish antics – but this is just way overboard I’m starting to think that Stephanie Germamotta is a shy Italian girl with a big nose who has to hide behind Lady Gaga to perform and to be heard.

(And am I the only one who thinks she’s had more work?)

What’s worse is that when entertainers get positive attention from stuff like this, kids notice. Gaga is idolised by millions of young and impressionable people who look to her as an example of ‘cool.’ She knows this right? Does she think she’s doing humanitarian work here? She must know there are children’s future at steak. (Sorry – stake.) Marinate on that for a while Gaga!

And now I find myself asking WHAT NEXT?  I mean c’mon. You’re only as good as your last outfit, everyone knows that!

I think the only thing that Lady Gaga could actually shock us with now is a gorgeous flowing gown by Valentino, hair up and no silly hats or masks or accessories like tea cups or frog coats. And what would her statement be??

If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have to conform with the masses and look lovely like everyone else.

Shocking!

When the dog barks, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad…

I’ve already done a post on a few of my favourite things, and in it I was referring to actual tangible things. I’ve decided to write today about some other pleasantries in my life, because truthfully I’m feeling annoyed and need to remember there’s plenty of good stuff in life.

Why am I snarky? Could be that I’m in the process of doing my tax, which includes deciphering between paid monies and expenses from 3 different areas of employment.

Could be that I’m craving all sorts of soft cheese and sorry; pregnancy rule book says a big fat NO to that one. (Yes I’m pregnant – Miranda Kerr, Isla Fisher and I just have SOOO much in common.)

Could be that in Darwin, the dry is over and the sweaty sticky months are close at hand.

Could be that my husband is going to Melbourne Cup INSIDE THE BIRDCAGE without me!

Could just be that I’m frustrated by our government (or lack thereof). It’s like our system of government is impotent. It exists, but it’s good for nothing right now.

So here are my 5 current favourite things that are not necessarily tangible. Hopefully as I refelct on them, I won’t feel so bad.

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1. Microdermabrasions:
I never realised how essential these were. Okay it’s a bit like sticking the end of your vacuum cleaner on your face, but the after effects are life changing for at least 2 days. Plus you get the added bonus of a mini facial every time you have one, and there’s nothing better than looking over at the machine and seeing all the dead white dull skin that has been removed. Yuk, I know but it’s the same satisfaction you get from seeing the wax strip covered in hair follicles, or pouring dirty water down the sink after you’ve mopped your floor.  You say out loud, “Eeeuw,” but you’re secretly thrilled and think to yourself, “Gotcha!”

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2. Earrings:
Not something I change on a daily basis, especially lately, but it was Elizabeth Taylor who said “Life without earrings is empty.” Before you go calling the Great Dame shallow, think for a moment about times when you’ve put on the perfect pair and realised you’ve totally changed your look from blah to brilliant. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about – here are some pics of celebs who knew how to work their ear bling. Imagine their ensembles without the earrings. See?

   

    

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3.       Sunday morning pancakes:
What can I say about a 3 stack of pancakes drenched in maple syrup on a Sunday morning. Perhaps just this: They remind me to stop, enjoy, indulge, relax, and forget. Incidentally they’re better when someone else made them. Like a café that overlooks boats floating peacefully on the water.

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4.       Dancing with my daughter to the Glee soundtrack
As if listening to the Glee soundtrack wasn’t awesome enough already… when I realised my 2 year old daughter was a total willing participant in singing and dancing around the lounge room with me (she tends to high-pitch squeal) I had one of those moments. An epiphany. I thought how at that moment there was nothing else in the world I should be doing, (yeah to hell with the laundry), and that this is what all those years growing up spent dancing and singing were for. All those childhood days spent in leotards and ringlets. All those teenage and early adulthood nights spent perfecting my craft on club dance floors. All of it – was just for this – with my girl.

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5.       New book smell:
I love getting a new book. I love reading when they were 1st published. I love the bit where the author thanks everyone… but mostly I love taking the open book up to my nose and having a good long whiff. Mmmm… Is that what “hot off the press” smells like?

If so, then maybe I should speak to someone and bottle that smell as a fragrance. Obviously it would be called “Hot Off The Press” and I would have to get Jen Aniston to be the model for the fragrance.

Only she can rock the mature book reading, glasses wearing but not too cliché to be ridiculous look.  I realise she already has a fragrance but I think given her constant presence in gossip mags, she knows all about being hot off the press. Anyway I digress.  The problem with new book smell is that after you’ve read the book, the smell disappears. So you have to keep buying new books, which is fine by me.

So I wonder if anyone else is feeling crappy. If you are then feel free to share your current favourite things here.

The whoreses are off and racing….

When you ponder horse racing in Australia, you can’t help but consider the action happening OFF the track. It’s how turf clubs have become young and cool and glamorous. Because whether you’re a guy or girl, man or woman, bloke or chick…. the fact is you spend WAY more time observing two legged creatures than you do any of the four-legged specimens actually racing.

Turf clubs around the country direct their marketing efforts and sell tickets to race meets by using this precise behavioural phenomenon. In fact whoever the genius was that invented the term ‘fashions on the field’ literally changed the face of horse racing forever.

Here’s why:

  • Where there are horses, there is horse poo. And sometimes if the wind is just so… it catches your nose hairs and makes your eyes water.
  • Much of the time spent is on your feet… usually on grass or dirt and outside. • Horses are mostly bred and trained on country soil. Country being home to the RM William boot and akubra hat. Not the Peep Toe stiletto heel and custom made fascinator.
  • The betting ring is traditionally a blokey, smokey booze fuelled rough patch of concrete where race going fanatics turn their thoroughbred knowledge into a pay day.

Not at all factors that would appeal to the glamorous ladies amongst us.  But DESPITE all that, women swarm to race days faster than pigs to mud because where there’s ‘fashions on the field’ there’s an excuse to dress up, feel fabulous and for some: celebrate a win.

Have you ever noticed that you rarely see Hollywood celebrities snapped by the paps at race days? It’s because the yanks don’t know how to market the races to the glamour social set. The best they have is the Kentucky Derby, and this is the best it gets….

But visit the Melbourne Cup and the celebrities on track outnumber the celebrities at a Logies after party. Because us Aussies have mastered the skill of turning 15 horses racing on a dirty oily track into a glamorous and fashionable social event. I honestly believe that NOWHERE ELSE in the world do you get the exceptional calibre and sheer volume of women for a horse race than you do here.

Darwin Cup Ladies Day best dressed winners: photo by NT News

BUT…. Where there is fashion there are women. And where there are fashionable women and gambling, there are men. And where there are women and men and money, there is booze. And where there is booze, and women and men, there is candid and definitive perving.

AND…. Where there is such brazen perving, there are women who love attention. And where there are women who love attention, there are retail shops that sell very short dresses and actually quite slutty outfits breaking sales records.

Or as I like to say on race days… “What the hell is with all the vadge grazers?”

Ladies. If some of you could even call yourself that after what I have seen….. Do yourselves a favour and wear a skirt! Race day is not the appropriate occasion to be channelling Lady Gaga.

I’m trying really hard not to be bitchy here, and not to make judgement on other females for something as superficial as their attire. Therefore I am going to refuse the massive temptation to call many of the girls I witnesses on Monday ‘Skanks.’

So what I will say is that I was amazed by how many girls were dressed for a street corner. At night.

So I’m sitting here majorly disappointed with what I saw on Monday. Yes, undoubtedly there were some ladies present. MANY women who made an effort to look lady-like and stylish on whatever their budget could afford them. In fact the Grand Dame of Australian Racing, Gai Waterhouse who was at the Darwin Cup on Monday said, “The fashion is very beautiful, haute couture that could not just be seen in Darwin, but anywhere.”

Then she said, “It’s so relaxed.”

Hmmm. I think she saw what I saw. Because for as many young ladies who looked superb, there were equally as many who got it wrong. And if you’re wondering if you were one of them… let me break it down.

Here is a list of what to avoid at race days. Because I love lists, and because clearly (despite Marie Claire magazine making a similar list some 10 years ago) this is new information to some….

  • Bling: The races is a day time event. You’re not going clubbing. You’re not going to a cocktail party. You’re not going to a ball. So while a dress is considered appropriate – it’s not if there are hundreds of little sequins or sparkly beads sewn on.

  • Ball gown: As per the above. There is a difference between a maxi dress and a gown. Maxi dresses are a great option. Ball gowns make you look silly. As you can see here, Jen Hawkins looks more like a bridesmaid than a fashion ambassador for the Myer tent.

                                        

  • Costumes: I guess if you’re young and there’s a whole group of you, and you want your photo taken… Go for it! But dressing up with a theme all on your own is a bit sad. Megan’s outfit would be fine if she’s left the horse whip at home. See the distinction?

          

  • Fairy look: Let me just say there’s nothing wrong with a dress that goes out. It’s fun and flirty and festive. But if you do, make sure the layers of tulle are hidden. Otherwise you fall into the above category and look more like a ballerina or a fairy.

 

  • Exposed flesh: A little is ok. As per Megan’s girls here. Wearing a vadge grazer – or a dress/skirt that barely makes its way past the entrance is appalling race-wear and while you will most certainly get looks, trust me: Not every person staring thinks you’re gorgeous, even if you are. It’s not lady like and you won’t even win the Best Dressed Stripper award.

                                 

  • Getting blind: Holding a bottle of wine in your hand all day does not count as an accessory. Drinking too much alcohol on a race day is like a horse shooting out of the gate and then collapsing mid track. It’s embarassing, ferrel and tragic. The only person laughing is you. Remember: There’s nothing wrong with having a few waters.

Look if you’re not sure how to know whether or not your outfit is race day lady worthy… here’s how I do the test. I ask myself these 5 little letters. WWKWW?  

 

What Would Kate Waterhouse Wear? The girl is racing royalty and has NEVER got it wrong. In fact, many girls make the mistake of asking WWJHW? (What Would Jen Hawkins Wear?) She is not your go-to girl for fashion on the field – trust me on that.

Jen is a girl from Newcastle who has charmed us all with her hometown ways. She also happens to be absolutely stunning and look sexy in everything. But chances are you’ve never won a Miss Universe Title and unless you have, you shouldn’t be thinking about that skin tight dress.

So that’s it. No more racing up this end of the country until next year. I guess the whorses will be taking a much deserved rest and perhaps unwinding by putting on a pair of jeans?? The odds aren’t too great on that one.

I wonder what’s in HER handbag?

I’ve expressed here before that my love of bags is deeper than my love of shoes, or any other accessory for that matter. (Except maybe earrings).  I’m far more committed to a beautifully made bag that will accommodate my life – than a pair of shoes which holds nothing but my feet.

And sometimes (but not very often) the love affair starts with an image: The ads seen in glossy mags, or sometimes just a celebrity holding a bag. That said, in most instances with handbag ads I wonder, “What did the creative genius behind this want me to think the model was carrying in that bag?”

Maybe they don’t think of that, but I always do. So when I saw the above ad campaign for Bulgari’s new line of handbags, I was a little flabbergasted. Really! Is that bag going to fit everything you need it to?

Here are some handbag ads. Below each one, I’ve written what I presume is in there, based on the image presented to me, and a note as to whether I think the ad itself is good, bad or ugly.

Julianne Moore for Bulgari

Rating:
Bad. I am more attracted to the jewels and the furnishings than the handbag. And the cubs.. Why? She looks like a villain. Only villains have pet lions and adorn themselves in that many diamonds.

Contents:

  • Exorbitantly priced bra and knicker set, probably black with hints of gold
  • Valentino evening dress and matching shoes
  • A couple of scotch fillets
  • A pistol to shoot the Lioness when she realises Julianne has her babies

Madonna for Louis Vuitton

Rating:
Ugly. I love Madonna but seeing a 50+ woman with her leg in the air does not want me make that bag.  She looks like a madam.

Contents:

  • Yoga mat
  • A pair of pants (hopefully not made of lycra)
  • Pack of cigarettes
  • Moisturiser

 Marion Cotilliard for Dior

Rating:
Good. I like how the bag is rested on her arm, and I LOVE the whole concept. Is she running away or being pulled in? She looks like a spy being torn between her work and true love.

Contents:

  • Very tech phone/computer/calendar/camera/video with list of contacts
  • Passport and credit cards
  • Wireless recording device
  • Dior lipstick

 

Unknown model for Louis Vuitton

Rating:
Bad. The bag is the last thing I saw laying on the purple car. And it looks like it’s about to fall off. And judging by her pose, I wouldn’t want the contents to fall out. She looks desperate and if I was a bloke and that was my car, she’d better be hoping the bag or the shoes didn’t scratch my bonnet.

Contents:

  • Condoms
  • Perfume
  • Red lipstick
  • Four bottles of Dom Perignon with 2 glasses

 Unknown model for Vivienne Westwood

Rating:
Ugly. The girl, the makeup, the dress the hair AND the bag. It looks like a mugshot.

Contents:

  • A few little clear bags containing some kind of mood altering pills or powder, or both.
  • Chuppa Chupps
  • Some loose coins and a flexi card
  • An expired train ticket

 Vanessa Paradis for Chanel

Rating:
Good. Seems like she LOVES her bag and is protective of whatever’s inside. She looks as though she’s just arrived at a luxury hotel for a casual weekend away.

Contents:

  • Lip balm
  • Scarf
  • Bottle of Evian
  • Wallet and travel brochures

 Scarlett Johansson for Louis Vuitton

Rating:
Bad. Where is she? The seat looks like a seat on a bus or cab, but the grey drapes confuse me. If she’s inside she should probably take her coat off, but there’s something sinister about her pose. She looks like she’s stalking her ex boyfriend, or worse – his new girlfriend.  Someone should remind her she’s married to Ryan Reynolds. Hottest man alive.

Contents:

  • Mobile phone full of old text messages from her ex-lover
  • Tissues
  • Sunglasses
  • Panadol

 Unknown models for Gucci

Rating:
Ugly. The bag is gaudy regardless of the fact that I find myself wondering…. What the hell are they doing out there in the bush? A tribal dance to pay homage to the dead animals whose skins they are covered in? They look like hippy models who forgot they were hippies when they started modelling and fell in love with luxury. Unfortunately, hippie taste can’t buy stylish glamour.

Contents:

  • Little bags of hooch. Possibly hydro – definitely strong stuff.
  • Aloe vera juice
  • VIP pass to the hottest bar in town
  • Mobile phone with agents number on speed dial

 

Unknown model for Loius Vuitton

Rating:
Good. I wish I was her, at that exact location, in those exact bikinis with that exact bag on her holiday. All looks amazing and relaxing.

Contents:

  • (slip slop slap) Sunscreen, sunglasses and big white, wide rimmed hat
  • Evian water spray
  • Her hotel key with her room number which she will be writing on all the bills from the hotel bar that will be bringing her cocktails.
  • Latest edition of Vogue

 

The truth is, if someone took a shot of me right at this very moment I’d be in the category of Ugly.

My handbag: A light tan mock croc Guess bag.

Contents: 

  • Baby Basics – Sticky Fingers hand and face wipes – fragrance free
  • About 3 old receipts from grocery shopping
  • Matching Guess wallet (I do have a little style left)
  • Half eaten packet of Sunbeam mini sultanas.

What’s in your bag? Does it make you good, bad or ugly?

Girls in White Dresses with Blue Satin Sashes…

You can relax. This isn’t going to be a post all about possibly one of the greatest movies ever made, The Sound of Music. Since I’ve been feeling rather blah! lately, I’ve been thinking about stuff that actually makes me feel good. Things that make me happy. A few of my favourite things.

And since my inspiration has been a lot like Kevin Rudd in the last couple of weeks: Going, going, gone…. I thought writing about my favourite things might make me feel better, and perhaps make you ponder your favourite things.

I should mention, this is not the first time I’ve made a list like this for self-induced therapy. Once after being dumped (I got dumped a fair bit in my late 20’s, no doubt karma for being the dumper in my teens and early 20’s) I made a list of 100 things I was grateful for.  Didn’t make me feel any better. I was still a lonely reject and presumed I was too fat, too ugly, and way too good for him anyway.

But I still have the list and a couple of those items will also be making my favourite things list today.

It’s a short list of 5, and completely and 100% subject to change. Not only because I’m slightly fickle, but also because certain things lose their appeal if they’re overdone.

So I’ll start.

 

1.       Nutella.

How can I not include Nutella? Particularly as there is a 750gm jar of the stuff sitting between me and the keyboard at this moment. Yes, it’s open. Yes there’s a spoon inside. Yes, in the few short paragraphs I’ve written so far, I’ve managed to take about 6 spoonfuls already. And now perhaps this gives you a better understanding of the term ‘lose appeal if overdone’ because I’m pretty sure by the end of typing here, I’ll be pushing it away in disgust, saying, ‘Uch, no more! What was I thinking?’

But before I get to that point let me tell you why Nutella is so good.

It’s gooey runny nutty smooth chocolate in a jar. Enough said.

2.       MAC Studio Fix

I once visited MECCA Cosmetics in Paddington, Sydney. The male makeup artist who was working that day asked me what I was currently using. I told him Mac Studio Fix. He acted as though I’d just told him I like to crush up dog poo with Vaseline and rub that on … I can kind of understand his reaction. Having worked on a cosmetic counter for 5 years, I know the importance of using dramatics when selling. In fact I probably did the same thing to a lady who told me she never cleaned her face. I was flabbergasted, and so was Phil – the makeup dude at Mecca.

He told me that I should not be using that kind of finish or consistency on my face unless I’m a newsreader. Ok, first of all, how did he know I wasn’t? Second – Do I look like I raided Christina Aguilera’s makeup bag? I mean, it might be on the side of heavy when it comes to coverage, but I have applied with caution and care.

And no offense to Phil, but he was wearing far more makeup than I was at the time. I took his card with his handwritten recommendations for my face away – without purchasing, because as he sampled soft, light, practically transparent little numbers on the back of my hand, I felt like I was cheating on my trusty Mac.

I wondered…

Will Prescriptives give me a free lippy when I bring back 6 empty containers? Can I apply this fluidy NARS stuff on the train? At the traffic lights? Under the table at dinner? In the loos? Can I put on this Stila stuff without getting makeup on my hands? Yes? Oh because I have to apply it with this particular paint brush? (Sigh)

No. I doubt there will ever be anything to replace the love and devotion I have for my Mac compact.  

3.       iPhone.

How did I ever live without it? Is it not the sexiest little gadget you’ve ever held in your hand? Incidentally, if any of you have iPhones, download the Word Game App, and let’s play scrabble. My player name is Cyclone Cindy. Scrabble is a subcategory of my favourite things list. Scrabble is like, the best game invented ever! It tests you on every level and I don’t think I’ve ever felt a greater sense of accomplishment and victory, than the day I wrote QUIZ on a triple word score. Boo-yah!

Back to my phone. Look, if you really want to know what’s so good about it, google it. But I will say how good it is to have one piece of equipment to carry around that you can:  googlewith, visit web sites, check emails, check facebook and twitter, call, text, check calendar, check diary, play music, play videos, download shows, play games, take photos and videos, download photos, etc etc etc. I realise there’s a new one out, but for now I’m extremely happy with mine.

4.       Actil 100% cotton 300 thread count sheets.

Living in Darwin, there’s no need for quilts or doona covers. I make my bed every day with a sheet, and a couple of cushions. White sheets. Only white. Because when we have visitors they are often horrified to discover they have left slightly yellow stains on the pillow case or sheets, from what I call the Darwin Midnight Sweats.  You see, because the minimum temperature is usually around 20 degrees overnight, you can sweat in your sleep.

White sheets can be bleached! That’s why hotels do it, and that’s why I do it. It’s also why I only have 100% cotton. Polyester, Percale, Sateen, etc all ad warmth. The sheets aren’t crisp and crunchy and cold. 100% cotton is.

Why Actil? Well I was a huge fan of Sheridan, but I think the sweat shops they use in China are starting to employ 3 year olds now too. The last set I bought were crooked, and the pillow cases wouldn’t line up seam to seam.  They’re 300 thread count is also not as thick or crisp.

Those sheets make me happy. I’m not very good at going to bed. No matter how tired I am, something compels me to stay up. But those sheets are like Stilnox for me. My brain thinks I’m not tired, but when I climb into that bed with those sheets, my body tells my brain it’s stupid, and passes out within minutes. It’s just wonderful, and perhaps the joy is escalated by the fact that I usually only allow myself 5-6 hours a night of such enjoyment.

Ooh, now I’m feeling sleepy. Time for another spoon of wholesome, chocolatey energy.

 

5.        I can’t believe I’m saying this… but… My thongs.

I have never really been a fan of wearing thongs. I know that makes me UN Australian, but I just don’t like walking on rubber. I also am not a huge fan of having a toe wedgie. (A barrier between my big and second toe).

However, on a recent trip to Melbourne I found a pair of lovely, comfortable, almost stylish tan leather thongs. They cost a bit more than your average pair of Havaianas. But I have worn them to death. Literally. They died yesterday.

I’m holding a funeral for them at the end of the week, once the autopsy is completed and I have determined what exactly caused them to break. Right now they’re in the shoe box they came in, with all the other shoes, as if nothing is wrong. I’m still in the denial phase of grief.

Perhaps like all things that die, they feel more important and worthwhile once they’re gone. Much like Michael Jackson. And Kevin Rudd.  That old saying, “You don’t know what you got til it’s gone.” Too true. Particularly in the case of my thongs.

Today I felt like going naked. No shoe could possibly deliver the simplicity, comfort or style that that pair of thongs brought to almost any outfit.  What to wear when your shoes are gone?

So that’s my list. My 5 favourite things at the moment.  Do I feel better?

I feel a bit sick from Nutella overload. I feel amazed and very grateful to have such amazing technology at my fingertips. I feel secure in the knowledge that no matter what kind of stunt my face pulls on me, there’ll always be coverage. Always even tones and the appearance of smooth skin.  I feel saddened to have lost some great footwear, but thankful I had a glorious 6 months with them. They took me to some amazing places. 5 different states and all over Bali. And – I feel so happy to know there’s a very comfortable and inviting bed waiting for me, whenever I choose to visit.

Perhaps soon. (yawn).

Of course there are many more things that would qualify as ‘favourites.’ Favourite music, favourite pizza, favourite shops, favourite actors… the list could have been very long, and perhaps I’ll visit this topic again one day under a sub category.

Because when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don’t feel so bad.

(Favourite movie? Yes. One of a few. SUCH a brilliant movie, had to pay a small homage).

So what are your mood enhancing favourite things?

I have NOTHING to wear.

Dear Wardrobe,
We need to talk. I think I’m going to have to break up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry. I’ve changed. Thanks for the memories; the good times, the tragic ones, oh, and the sparkles.
Love, Cindy

Are you Ensemble-y challenged? Do you ever stand in front of your wardrobe looking at the rows and rows and piles of clothes and say to yourself, I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!?”  Do you wish you could dial 000 and select ‘Fashion Emergency,’ and instead of an ambulance, a big truck full of clothes and shoes and accessories would reverse into your driveway to save your wardrobe dilemma?  I do, every time I have to go out. ‘Out’ out. Not just out to the shops.

I’ve always been a fairly conservative dresser, opting for classic pieces and block colours rather than full-on fashion fads and prints. However as fashion has come and gone, I’ve had those seasons that I tend to hold on tightly to. Like pointy shoes.  Am I the only one that still has pointy shoes? I don’t wear them, haven’t for years – but they’re still in such good nick, they’re almost too presh to chuck.

I’ve decided I face this common dilemma due to 3 main reasons:

  1. I really have changed. Some of those clothes just aren’t ‘me’ anymore.
  2. Because of the way I currently organise my wardrobe…. By colour.
  3. Because I’m not sure what I was thinking at the time of purchase.

So I’m going to break this down, and HOPE that my husband reads this eventually and understands why I need to go shopping for new clothes. He can’t comprehend how with all those clothes in there, I have a mini breakdown when I’m dressing to go out.

NUMBER 1 – I’ve changed.

To clarify what I mean by this: See this item.

It’s a backless SABA dress I bought in 2004. It also crosses over in the front, and those cross over bits aren’t stitched together. I bought it when I was going to the solarium 3-4 times a week. I had a tan. Now, the dress matches my skin. I also bought it before I had a baby, which means my inner thigh areas were free of spider veins. Since this dress is backless, you really need to go braless. (I so don’t feel comfortable doing the whole show your bra strap thing that Carrie from Sex and the City does). So – braless in a silk dress means you have to have exceptionally pert boobies. Check. Oh wait, actually – no. Sometimes I forget and look down and remember that after breastfeeding a baby for 8 months, my tay-tays now resemble 2 fairly small sandbags.

(I know right? I sound SUPER attractive!)

The dress is not the only item in my wardrobe that I would never be seen dead in. (Incidentally – what WOULD you wear to your own funeral. I’m thinking that when I get old I need to shop for that, and then include that info in my will…)

There are a pile of clothing items that I just can’t rock anymore. Polka dot string bikini. Floral mini dress.  Mulit-coloured belt with red sparkly strawberry buckle, (actually anything bearing little pieces of fruit), short shorts, short denim vests, anything that requires Hollywood tape, corset tops, anything see through, anything sequined. Etc… etc… etc… 

    

You see, when your lifestyle changes – your clothing requirements change. I don’t go out for dinner 4 times a week anymore. I don’t go dancing. I don’t go to launch nights and industry cocktail parties. I don’t work with corporate types anymore and I don’t have to attend big events that I organise. I’m lucky to get to a movie. So all my pretty, sparkly, glamorous gear just sits there in my cupboard, wasting away.

I find the clothes that I feel ‘at home’ in are those that are a little more conservative, and comfortable. Clothes that look good with flat shoes, clothes that allow me do a squat so I can pick up my daughter with my bag over my shoulder, keys in my hand while carrying 4 bags of shopping. That’s my life now. Boring? A little some days, so it’s only natural that my outfits are too.

Capri-length pants and jeans, and knee length shorts and skirts are practically my uniform, with fitted T’s. Yep. That’s me.

 I realise leggings would totally suit my lifestyle – but really, you’ve got to wear tops that are long enough to …… how do I say this ….. graze the vadge? Most of mine are hip length.

NUMBER 2 – Wardrobe Organisation

Currently my clothing is arranged by colour. I started doing this because I realised I’d be getting ready for work and think to myself, I need that red top. I’d look inside, pull out something red and discover it was not the top I was after. I’d repeat that a few times, til I found the top I wanted.  I figured if the clothes were colour coded, it would simply be a matter of referring to the red pile, and leafing through the selection. No rummaging required.

Here are some pics of my colour coded wardrobe

This worked really well for a long time.  Now I don’t care what colour shirt I wear. I care if it has a sleeve that won’t show my ‘in-need-of-a-wax’ underarms. I need a shirt that won’t show any food if my daughter decided to share at mealtime, I need a top that doesn’t need ironing because it’s a hot day and I’m in a hurry, I need a top that goes with these shoes, because these shoes are most comfortable….

SO what happens is some of my clothes get forgotten. There are some really great tops that I forget I own because they are sitting in a sea of tops the same colour. Whatever is closest to the top of the pile that will suit – is what I choose. The stuff at the top is the stuff that just got washed, because I wore it last week. Which means I keep repeating the same outfits.

This is why despite having many options in there – I wear the same 6 items all the time. Meanwhile, the poor dejected clothes at the bottom of the pile often don’t see the light of day for months on end.

NUMBER 3 – What was I thinking?

Depending on what mood I’m in when I shop, determines what I come home with. The best way to explain this is to show you some items I’ve purchased, and what was happening to me at the time.

I went shopping after watching SATC2 last week.

Given that the characters in that movie were dressed highly inappropriately for what they were doing… (yes, let me just slip on this Vintage Dior while I ice cupcakes, let me just wear an enormously huge balloon skirt to shop at a silk market….) The characters also looked as though they had raided the local fancy dress costume shop.

However, that didn’t stop me from watching the movie and yearning to have that kind of glamour and Middle Eastern inspired colours and styles in my wardrobe. So I was browsing through the shops last week, just looking of course, when… Oooh! Sparkles! Jewells! And I purchased these – hoping to fanci-fy myself up a bit.

 I may never wear this. Tag still on.

Other times I shop for a specific occasion, and because I’m desperate – walk away with something I don’t really love, or doesn’t even fit properly, so I wear it that one time, (or not at all) and next time I’m going out, remember that I didn’t actually love it and decide I can’t wear that because, well ech! Like this:

 

Above was worn once. Doesn’t fit. The red dress was purchased for races, but I changed my mind.

Then there’s the times you’re shopping and you’re in the change rooms and your child is in her pram and she’s emptying water all over the change room floor, and she’s whinging because really – she’s BORED out of her mind… and you just want to try her stuff on, and make a purchase so you can get out of there. So you make uncalculated decisions and walk away with items like this:

 I’ve never worn this.

Then there’s the time you’re overseas and you’ve got your Thailand Goggles firmly fastened. You’re having a whirlwind romance with Bargain Shopping, and you fall in love at first sight with some little treasure like this:

Finally – there’s the times you have the luxury of shopping child free – you’ve just been at the Day Spa and had an amazing facial, you’re feeling beautiful, and you feel like you want to heighten that mood totally, further indulging yourself because what the heck? You SO deserve it. So you wander into a shop feeling so free and alive, and you have a lovely little chat with the sales lady, and she’s so nice isn’t she? And you end up walking out with something like this:

Still has the tag on it. How old am I?

Meanwhile there is a HUGE pile of clothes I’m hoping to get rid of. There are at least 6 items that have never been worn. There are at least 10 items that cost over $250. There are at least 20 items with a designer label: Wayne Cooper, Alannah Hill, Morissey, Guess, Ralph Lauren, even Dolce & Gabanna.

What’s that you say? Bin them, or bag them up and dump them in the Salvo bin?

CHUCK OFF! That would be such a chucking waste!

I can’t be bothered with e-Bay. It’s hard enough doing this at the computer every day without having to check buyer’s bids every 10 minutes….

I wish I could do what Becky Bloomwood did in Confessions of a Shopaholic movie, and hire a big hall, and get all my stuff that is pretty and lovely, and sell it off – jumbo sale style.

Except that at the end, after Becky has sold everything except for that green scarf, and she auctions it off? Well I don’t have a green scarf.

I would auction off My Signature Jacket.

An item of clothing I haven’t worn since 1998. It’s Trent Nathan, and it cost me (back in 1995) $550. The sales lady had told me that Trent Nathan had purchased a whole lot of stuff off Chanel, and that the buttons on this jacket were actually designed by Chanel. I had it on layby for weeks and I should mention it was The Summer of Citrus Tones. Orange was the new black ok? I wore it for the first time to a 21st. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 4 years, and it was still messy. I had been invited to his sister-in-law’s party, and I was told the invitation still stood despite the breakup.

I needed to look amazing. I needed to look confident and happy. Like a girl who was getting on with her life and was full of bright prospects. It was perfect and on the way home my ex begged to kiss me goodbye. My head said yes. The jacket said no. The jacket had spoken.

Do you see why I cannot throw/give this away??

What about now?  

PLEASE NOTE: This photo was taken 15 mintues ago – SANS makeup. Anyway, I think I could still totally rock this and am convinced it’s going to come back in fashion with a FURY! 

And so, as I edit my wardrobe, and assess what new items I should buy and ACTUALLY wear I wonder how it will look in 20 years time, when my children are grown up and moved out, I’m back to eating out 4 times a week, but in other parts of the world where I’m currently travelling.

Do you think I’ll still need this?

Good grief, I hope not.

You’ve got WHAT in your nappy?

I should start off saying that the nappy making business has GOT to be lucrative! I have a 19 month old and reckon I’ve spent at least $1,000 on nappies so far. Maybe more, and that doesn’t include the wipes or little bags to put them in.

Nappies are like everything else – they’re constantly being upgraded. Better design, better fit, better absorption…. So it’s really no surprise that nappies change colour from white. Last weekend, the new denim look nappies were launched by Huggies in the US.

 

Stuart Schneider, Snr Brand Director at Huggies said this:

“Jeans have always been a Mommy fashion must-have, but now it’s time for their little ones to steal the style.  The design helps babies stay trendy while keeping dry with the same revolutionary design and proven leakage protection that moms have come to know and trust from the Huggies brand.”

What I don’t understand behind this marketing is the fact that nappies are supposed to be like the baby’s underwear… covered up and receptacles of waste.

Is this a gimmick used by Huggies to cash in on the “Why Bother With Clothing – Underwear Is Plenty” movement that seems to be taking hold of everyone from Lady Gaga to Miley Cyrus?

Is this a way to make parents think its ok to let their kid go out in public showing their nappy? Isn’t this a bit ‘white trash?’ 

I mean, once they hit a certain age it’s highly inappropriate. You wouldn’t let your 5 year old go shopping with you at Coles wearing just his Ben Ten underpants… would you?  Maybe I’m pedantic, but any time my daughter has worn a skirt, I make sure the nappy is covered over with a frilly pair of what I call over-pants. It’s like bloomers for babies.

So anyway the denim diaper story somewhat made news. Well, let’s just say that earlier in the week, numerous bloggers took note.

 

I on the other hand, thought nappies probably weren’t worth discussing. Maybe because I’m still very much in the routine of changing them, so nappies to me are like laundry powder. “New brand? Oh, that’s nice. It’s still washing and not that exciting.”  Except cleaning clothes is WAY more pleasant than changing nappies, so my conclusion was to leave Huggies and their denim diapers well alone.

But things just got weird. I’ll be filing this one under “What were they thinking!” because check out this TV ad.

Incase you can’t understand the voice over; this is what he actually says:

My diaper is full
Full of chic
When it’s a number 2
I look like number 1
I poo in blue

I don’t know what’s freakier… a nappy full of chic, (hmm that kind of rhymes with another 4 letter word) or the tag line “The coolest you’ll look pooping your pants.”

I wonder if the ad execs have ever seen a baby pooping. It’s actually quite disturbing, especially if their diet’s been a bit short on fibre.

My little girl hides, has done for months.  Even in strange places, she’ll find a corner somewhere and get down to business. On the odd occasion where I can see her face, I feel as though I’m violating her privacy, and turn away. Because babies faces look like ours do when we’re ‘releasing a demon. ‘

It’s not pretty, and it most certainly is not cool.

But nappy ad creators seem to be hell bent on making us think babies wearing their brand of nappies are one step ahead of us. Cooler than us, smarter than us, and always having the last laugh.

Actually now that I consider that…maybe they are.

Here are a couple of other ads that despite their obvious humour, still make me squirm and grateful my first baby came without a pointer. The whole experience was shocking enough without getting pissed on, thanks.

Anyway, I’ll be looking out to see if the denim diaper’s make their way to Australia. Not that I’ll be purchasing. Until they come up with a way to completely cover a nappy with sparkles or bling while keeping the price affordable, I’ll stick with the always-in-fashion-classic-white.

♫ Fah… Fah… Fah… Fah… Fashion!

Last week was Rosemount Australian Fashion Week.

Sadly I don’t work for VOGUE and unless you do, (or somewhere else in the fashion biz) then like me, you probably didn’t even know it was happening.

So I realise I’m a little late to the Fashion Week party, but I noticed a really interesting write up online that said thank GOODNESS for this ensemble by Anna Plunkett and Luke Sales – in alleviating the boredom, and I got a bit intrigued…  Fashion Week? Boring?

After looking at some of the photos, I think that the fashion reporter was probably just OVER it because there was so much beige, but to me that’s like fashion heaven.

The World Of Fashion. They say it, as though it’s far away from planet earth.

Because it is.

Have you ever sat and watched FTV for more than 5 minutes? On what planet does every single person walk down the street looking like THAT? Wearing THOSE shoes? With THAT hair? And THOSE eyebrows…

The FASHION world silly!  (Actually those eyebrows might explain why some models eat bird seed for lunch).

Ahh, yes. Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Circular Quay for the Long-Legged, Misery-Faced, (Today I’ve had 4 black coffees and an apple), Fashion Show.   First up we have our models Tati and Yuliana, looking actually decent in actual clothes that were actually made for actual women. Who knew?

Alright, I’m going to try and put my sarcasm aside for the rest of this post. Actually, aside won’t do. I should probably hide it from myself, because if it’s there – sitting alongside me, I might get tempted to grab it and go ballistic. Much like a Cadbury Cream Egg.

Australian Fashion is progressing in leaps and bounds. It’s because Australian fashion designers are super talented. WAY more talented than designers who rotate looks year about… “Oooh, Ralph Lauren does Nautical.” “Oooh Ralph Lauren does all white.” “Oooh, Ralph Lauren does country inspired.” Oooh, Ralph Lauren is predictable!”

With the exception of some silly hairstyles and even sillier make up, my verdict on RAFW is thumbs up, with the STAND OUT best designs coming from Lisa Ho, Ginger & Smart, Camilla & Marc, Jayson Brunsdon and Zimmerman.

Hear now as Cyclone Cindy puts on her best ‘fashion speak,’ and reviews the week that was.

Mostly the tones were muted and neutral but included a few splashes of summery blues, yellows, oranges and reds… with the exception of Wayne Cooper who kept things very bright. 

Hemlines are still up around the mid thigh, although thankfully the ‘WOY WOY skirt’** seems to be long gone – with the exception of Alex Perry, who seemingly forgot to design anything for the bottom half, and sent his models down the runway in their knickers…. and yeah – in skirts located very closely to ‘The Entrance.’

On the subject of hemlines, there were a few around-the-knee length options, and thankfully some designer are keeping the maxi dress very much ALIVE. Thanks goodness for them. My legs can stay un-waxed that little bit longer now….

I also noticed florals made an appearance on more than one occasion. I’m not normally a fan of floral…. Although I think Karl Lagerfeld was being a bit dramatic when he said, “Florals are for middle-aged women with weight problems.”  Actually he didn’t say it, he tweeted it. Luckily everybody knows he’s the Fashion Godfather of Ridiculous, although I have a sneaking suspicion Coco Chanel would totally agree. However florals; as I’ve just seen, can look absolutely delightful and Summery, but I still think I’ll pass.

Themes of the shows included Romance, Arabian Princesses, Librarian Chic and Bedtime Story.  

Anyway, check these out, and see why I am in LOVE with the coming season of Spring / Summer

 Alright, I’m taking my sarcasm out from under the couch now, because I can’t help myself.

First – models… you are allowed to breathe. If you don’t know how to breathe and walk at the same time, you should probably be on medication.  Come to think of it, the chance that most of you have taken some form of substance prior to the show is highly likely.

Second – According to Vogue, every second media release boasted their collection was “effortless.” To the PR peeps that write these ‘bedtime stories’ THESE (see below) are not effortless.

 

It’s actually pretty random for me to be taking notice of this stuff anyway.

Not that I would make such a grand claim; but if I was once close to anything that resembled a ‘fashionista’ I am far, far away from it now.

I stopped buying fashion mags soon after arriving in Darwin. Not only because it was becoming expensive, but because it was becoming RIDICULOUS reading all about ‘Winter Trends.’ Knee length boots and beanies don’t really help me out much… 

Well there was that, plus the fact that last year I was sitting in the hairdressers flipping through the fashion section, and noted that the season’s must haves included: Playsuits, Corsets, Cowgirl, Jewel-inspired, Tartan… and Military!

How is that even possible? Was the fashion editor high?

Hang on, didn’t I JUST note that this Spring-Summer the look is: Romantic Arabian Princesses who love going to the library right before bed???

As much as I look at the models and love the clothes, the shoes, the hair, the entire LOOK, I know that even if my budget allowed it, the exciting and exquisite World Of Fashion would never let me past customs.

Because ME in a low cut button down satin jumpsuit that ties at the waist with detailing at the hem, complete with hot pink eye shadow right around both eyes?

Well that is quite the sight to behold!

** Woy Woy is a town located on the North Coast of New South Wales, and also happens to sit very closely to another town named The Entrance.

The Logies. Strangely I still care.

I say that because it seems like most people watch out of morbid fascination. I know I sat down with my hot cup of Milo wondering, “Who will make me cringe the most tonight?”  I always feel like the Logies are trying so hard to be the Oscars, and they never really hit the mark.

I only began watching because since blogging, I feel like it’s my responsibility (to myself) to document my opinion on anything important, or funny, or newsworthy, or eventful, or ridiculous.

BUT last night I got VERY surprised when there was less ridiculous and more funny & eventful.

Let me just say right away I completely agree with John Mayer when he said he felt as though he’d seen a lifetime of Australian television from one awards ceremony. I was unaware many of those shows existed.

I hate Aussie drama. Loathe it, and have done since I was about 15. Young enough not to get hooked…  old enough to recognise rubbish when I see it.

So last night may have been a ‘who’s who’ of Australian television, but outside of a few presenters and morning news readers, I was literally thinking… Who’s who?

In fact, I’m not even sure where to start… SO perhaps I’ll just start where the awards show started – the red carpet.

RED CARPET 

  • Nat Basingthwaite – Gorgeous dress, but who did your hair? The bride of Frankenstein?
  • Melissa Doyle, Lisa Wilkinson, Rebecca Gibney, Georgie Gardner– Absolute Loveliness.
  • Tasma Walton (Rove’s Mrs) – How long were you swimming in that bowl of bronzer?
  • Ruby Rose – LOVE the tats. LOVE the hair. HATE the dress. What’s with the big silver V? Are you a closet Trekkie?
  • Jessica Maraise, Esther Anderson, Nicki Phillips and Margot Robby  – Perfection. Whoever you are!
  • Charlotte Dawson – you claimed to be channelling the Silver Logie, I’m guessing it’s because you were in a long silver shiny dress. True that a silver logie is long, shiny and silver, but so are most tools, in particular a spanner!
  • Claudia Karvan – I know you’re getting rave reviews but sorry. Yuk. Were you off to a funeral later? Also – it’s called Hollywood tape.
  • Natalie Gruzlewski, Catriona Rowntree… Here come the brides.
  • Sigrid Thornton – Va va Vvvooom. I want to look like you at your age.
  • Erin McNaught – Bat woman.  
  • Brynne Gordon – Did you forget your matching red fairy wings?
  • Jen Hawkins – Men everywhere were drooling. Women everywhere were looking for reasons to hate you.  Simple dress probably not glam enough for my liking, but original, classy and SSSSizzling.
  • Megan Gale – Meh… Sultry as usual..
  • Molly Meldrum – So Zsa Zsa Gabor of you to bring your dog.
  • Georgie Parker – I LOVE that you got your dress for under $100 bucks from Katies. The girls from Home and Away could learn from you, especially now that (thanks to Alf) we know they’re all below the flamin’ salary cap…. Cheap dress = more cocaine.

LOL moment – when told by one reporter she was growing up to be so big Bindi Irwin commented: ”My mum keeps feeding and watering me. I’m like a plant.” Touché.

*** Copy Cat Awards – Livinia Nixon for Sandra Bullock’s Oscar dress, followed closely by Ada Nicodemou  for Demi Moore. And look – same poses even!

                                 

                                  

  

ENTERTAINMENT

Gabrielle Cilmi – You used to be able to sing.

KD Lang – Probably best moment of all. I LOVE this woman. So effortless, so talented, so hot. Ooh, did I just say hot?  Yup! Forget Jolie. I would turn completely gay for KD.  Her voice is like stirring melted chocolate. Then adding melted butter, and sweetened condensed milk. Mmmmmmm. Strangely, I had the urge for a cigarette when it was all over.

KD’s song choice? Sung beautifully, but should point out I’m SO glad that FINALLY someone covered the Jeff Buckley song Hallelujah, cause I mean, like – that’s NEVER been done before.

John Mayer – Wow, you need a haircut. I’m betting half the audience were jealous of your sneakers. Still though, something sexy about a guy and a guitar.

Rogue Traders –During one interview the new lead singer said: This is something you dream about performing at as a kid.  Dream bigger children of Australia. Dream BIGGER.  I did LOVE the dancers. Amazing choreography. Wondering if the ad for auditions to find new lead singer read something like this: Must look hot in lycra cat suit. 

Special mention: PJ, son of Don Lane…. HOTTIE.

MUST ad, that failing to disappoint me, during the Memorium section they let us hear the audiences applause unlike at the Oscars.  Did you notice Bud Tingwell got the loudest? It’s cause the entire audience knew him, unlike many of the rest.

HOST

Yah… Bert was a good choice but not sure if he deserved the standing ovation. He’s not dead yet!

PRESENETERS

LOVED Charlotte Dawson admitting there’s not much real on her face. Onya for admitting it. Now if Rhonda Birchmore could just do the same.

Someone tell Molly that on stage at the Logies is no time to plug albums. But snaps to him for being sobre.

What the hell was that dog man and army dude about? Cringe moment? Hell yes!

LOL moment – Bert Newton admitting Channel nine were having as much success as Susie Edelman was at keeping her girls covered. (My words not his).

ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

OMG – Sean Micallef was ON FIRE. Cranked the volume every time he came on TV.

Matt Preston – You looked confused…. But see? ANYONE can win a Logie right? Even chef’s who wear cravats that get named upon purchase. By the way, loved Emma – and that she was named after your wife.

* LOL moment 1 – when Andrew from Deal or No Deal ‘spat the dummy flower’… after My Generation beat Sunrise for Best Light Entertainment Program.

* LOL moment 2 -Josh Thomas from My Generation telling the audience he was premenstrual.

Claudia Karvan: As if the nip slip wasn’t enough, she followed it with a shocking acceptance speech by forgetting her fellow nominees names, and dropping the F bomb twice. Put simply – HOT MESS.

Ray Whatever your name is…. ALF from Home and Away. GREAT speech. Funny guy! Who knew? Little disappointed you didn’t squeeze in at least one ‘strewth’ for a laugh.

Jennifer Kyte: LOVED her acceptance speech for winning the Black Saturday news coverage. In fact the News and Current Affairs section was a BIG surprise of the night for me. I wasn’t expecting to need tissues.   To make matters worse, (‘matters’ being my now puffy watery red eyes) they gave the Lifetime Achievement Award to Brian Naylor.

And now let me leave you with what i believe was the highlight. I intend to watch this over and over for the rest of the day.

Some People Think #4: Kylie Minogue’s BIG CRASH

On Wednesday, Kylie Minogue announced via twitter, that she would be sharing a snippet of her new single All the Lovers, with her fans. Unfortunately the announcement caused her website to crash instead.

She wrote this on twitter following: “aaahhhhhhhh…you’ve overloaded the system!!!arrgggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!,” shortly after the noon deadline passed.

“That is the strength of your combined power!!!!!!! OMG!!!” she wrote.

The single is due to be released on June 28, with her 11th studio album Aphrodite, following on July 5.  “I am so happy to share this little snippet of the first single with you all,” Minogue tweeted again after the website came back on.

Here is the 30 second preview she released.

Since then a world of opinion has been circulating regarding the release.  So here is this week’s Some People Think…. (and it’s only short because these Friday SPT posts are s’pose to be brief – but mainly because I feel like there are some angry dudes at the back of my throat smashing glass bottles around).

  • Some people think it’s the best 30 seconds of instrumental they’ve ever heard and think 2010 is the Year of the Kylie.
  • Some people think the album cover is amazing – and think she rocked Jean Paul Gaultier way better than the model on the catwalk

  • Some people (mostly blokes) think nothing will ever out-do this album cover.

  • Some people think Kylie is totally back. Not like the last time with her ‘X’ album. More like the last time she was back… when she was spinning around in gold hot pants.
  • Some people can’t wait to hear the lyrics.
  • Some people think the new album is just another Kylie Minogue album – complete with high glam, lush stylings and modern typefaces.
  • Some people think the album name Aphrodite, who was the Greek goddes of love, beauty and sexuality is aptly named for Ms Minogue.
  • Some people think it doesn’t matter that Kylie is singing the songs – the fact that the album has been produced by British Electronic musician, songwriter, and record producer Stuart Price (who has also worked with Madonna, New Order, Missy Elliott, The Killers, Gwen Stefani and Seal),  automatically means the album will be packed with number 1 hits.
  • Some people think she made the announcement on Wednesday in order to draw attention AWAY from the outfit she was wearing the day before – Tuesday. Yellow Harem pants. It’s highly likely.

  • Some people think her new album will be a return to her ‘dance-floor’ roots – and inspire a whole new float at the next Mardi Gras.
  • Some people don’t care about her music. They just think she should be so lucky – and actually is. Very Lucky. To be dating this guy:

  • Some people can’t wait to see what she’ll be wearing in her video clips.
  • Some people think it’s worth noting that she’s releasing the new single exactly 1 month after her 42nd birthday on 28 May, and the new album exactly 1 week before her new nephew is due to be born.
  • Some people probably think the news on Kylie’s latest album is worth not only doing a happy dance for, but actually rolling around and repeating her name over and over; Like this guy did when he heard she was touring last year…. becuase I know I do that when I’m excited…

 I think Kylie is no longer the princess of pop, nor the queen of pop. She is the friggin’ Empress so bow down bitches.  Possibly the brightest star in the Pop Music Fermament, her road to sparkling did not include a trip to rehab, flashing her pink bits or public outbursts and meltdowns. Her songs may be anthems, but what I love most is that she is a lady with dignity.

What do YOU think?