Cougars – An Age or an Attitude?

Step aside Madonna, and take baby Jesus with you. Your time to reign as the Queen of all Cougars has come to an end.  Make way for the Grand High Dame of Cougars – Liz Taylor.

When the news that Elizabeth Taylor was engaged to a much younger man broke, I had already been collecting lots of info on cougars. I’ve been meaning to blog about Cougars for a while now, but the problem with blogging is that once information is out there for anyone to read, you can’t exactly make stuff up or provide info that is a pile of rubbish.

So let’s put an end to some BIG rubbish right now: Dame Lizzie T IS NOT engaged, I follow her on twitter, I know. She tweeted  at approximately 2am Darwin time this morning  the following: The rumors regarding my engagement simply aren’t true. Jason is my manager and dearest friend. I love him with all my heart.  Take a breath Mads, the coast is clear, you’re still number 1.

So anyway where was I?

Oh yeah, Mumma cats.

So I have all this stuff, insight, personal stories on younger men that date or (more commonly) sleep with older women – and its incredible how much information is out there on this not-so-new phenomenon. So much that condensing it for a blog is proving tricky. So much that I’m thinking of writing a book on Cougars. I could call it “Cub Love – your Guide to Dating the Older Woman” or “Cougar’s – an Age or an Attitude” or my  favourite so far… ““Cougars: More Than Just a Ferocious Pussy.”

Hmm – maybe not.

 

I don’t know if you’ve watched the show Cougar Town. I watched the first 2 episodes and decided there were other things I’d rather be doing with my time… like scraping toe jam out of someone’s toenails.  Meanwhile my husband thinks it’s a great show. I don’t know if I’m unimpressed because her character is silly, or if it’s because I can’t look at Courtney Cox and not think MONICA. I find myself thinking: Where’s Chandler? Where’s your adopted Chinese baby? And when did you quit being a Chef to do Real Estate? Who ARE these people?

Maybe Courtney should’ve branched out sooner. Maybe she should’ve sacked her agent and hired Jen Aniston’s, who has played so many ‘pretty girl who can’t get the guy’ roles – Rachel is now just a sweet distant memory.

Boy I’m really digressing today.

Anyway I read something that Cindy Crawford once said. She said, “I don’t want to be a cougar, I want to be a MILF. I hate that word cougar and what it represents. MILF is a word I absolutely love…..“Age can be daunting, but you can’t stop it. I know 20-year-old guys don’t look at me anymore. I don’t feel it like I used to. I remember walking down streets in New York at the height of my modelling career, my hair up, and all the construction guys would go crazy. It’s different now.”

  Ok – a quick word to Cindy C:  First up, I know plenty of 20 year old guys would do you in a heart beat. Second – Construction guys? Seriously – that is who you’re using as a guage post on your own level of hotness? Get a grip! Ask George Clooney if he thinks you’re hot because since your time together in Italy, every woman he’s dated has been a Cindy Crawford Clone.

 

I was intrigued that Cindy hated the word Cougar and what it represents. (What DOES it represent???) Meanwhile, when Susan Sarandon was asked if she minded being called a Cougar, she said, “No! I LOVE that!” And Demi Moore seems to be a bit over the term. She said, “I’m certainly not the first person to be in a relationship with a younger man, but somehow I was plucked out as a bit of a poster girl. I don’t know why that is. ….I’d prefer to be called a Puma.”

Excuse me Demi, but isn’t that the same thing?

I won’t name them all, but there’s actually a very long list of celebs that have been branded as cougars. Some of them I agree with, most of them not. I don’t believe a woman is a cougar JUST BECAUSE she is dating a younger man.

I’ve dated a handful of guys younger, some much younger – but did I feel like a predator searching for prey? No. Searching for play? Yeah sure. But who doesn’t do that in their twenties. To be honest I was usually a bit embarrassed to tell people the age of the guy I was seeing, or that we were even together at all.  

I used to think to myself – Cindy, find yourself someone more suitable. This one is too young. Send him back to the pool. Everyone is laughing behind your foolish old cradle robbing back. Find a man more sedate, more settled – with a paunch and a prescription for Viagra.

It was never my intent to use and abuse – to seek, seduce and be done with. I acted with them the same way I did with men older or the same age. Flirtatious but demure. I was never forthright, never aggressive and always played the part of ‘she who must be captured,’ not the capturer.  So I don’t believe I have ever been a cougar.

First of all, to be a cougar in the true sense of the word, I think you must be single. They’re felines or mountain cats who hunt younger men. The term gets thrown about so loosely these days – I’ve been accused of being a cougar many times.  I may be 4 years older than my husband, but let me just say – HE HUNTED ME. I asked a friend of mine who’s had quite a bit of experience with different cougar types to give me some insight. He gave me the following points to consider;

  1. Cougars are as individual as any other age group of women…
  2. Many Cougars seem to want what many men want: sex with no strings attached. But this depends on the age difference. The greater the age difference, the less likely they are to be wanting a relationship.
  3. Their dress standards aren’t completely different, I’d say that it’s influenced by two things, their socio-economic background and whether or not they want to exaggerate any assets they may have physically… so not that different from any other age group, though they may dress more aggressively.
  4. They do have different expectations; cougars are perceived to be the “in” thing at the moment. They expect more attention, if they don’t get it and they want it, they’ll generally fight to get the attention back on them.
  5. On the whole, most cougars tend to be far more self assured, know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it… In a guys eyes confidence is confidence, this translates to our perception of cougars, if they are confident socially then they must be confident in the bedroom too and that’s a turn on for most guys…
  6. Cougars are the same as any other women of any age group; alcohol tends to lead to drunken confidence.  I think with age though, people tend to recognise their limitations better, so they might not get wrecked but definitely drunk… yes they are better in the sack, which comes from the confidence I mentioned earlier.  Plus if it’s a one night/short term thing then I think cougar’s bring out all the tricks, “I’m going to blow this guy’s mind” kind of mentality…
  7. Conversations with cougars tend to flow better, because they are more confident socially they are less inhibited in what they will and won’t discuss, uncomfortable pauses don’t generally exist. Guys tend to be more confident too as we know what the cougar wants and we don’t generally care if the cougar isn’t interested and moves on…
  8. Let it be said that an attraction is an attraction regardless of age – which is why I think many men don’t put barriers on that kind of stuff.  I enjoy conversing with at least women of the same age or older, since I have no stomach for discussing gossip and what Britney is going to do next!

 He then shared these stories:

Was out last Saturday night and saw my friend (who’s got a girlfriend) talking to a couple of cougars, because one of them was a family friend… The other one (not my mate’s friend) took one look at me and grabbed my chest. I just laughed but didn’t push her hands away. After a few seconds she pulled her hands back and asked if I wanted to play with her chest. We’d barely exchanged a few words! She had large breasts but I declined (I’m growing up).


Secondly, when I was 26 I dated a 36 year old divorcee with 2 kids for nearly 5 months. It was a great experience, thoroughly enjoyed myself, I was actually pretty disappointed when we broke up, but we’re friends now. The sex was incredible!
   
My biggest question on what qualifies a girl as a Cougar hasn’t really been addressed, and that is the Dignity Factor.  I tend to think my friend’s second story did not involve a Cougar at all. Dignity implies decorum. It implies morality, poise, self respect. It implies that one is acting with grace and distinction. Dignity is not asking someone you just met to play with your jug-o-nauts.

 

I don’t think dignity would be a word used to describe the common cougar. Which is where I think Cindy Crawford and Cyclone Cindy agree.  The other Cindy (like me) is married to a younger man, but neither of us believe we are cougars because of what they represent.

 

The implied attitude and behaviour of a cougar is not one I take on board. In fact I don’t even think I ever let it on the jetty. Except maybe once when I was 18 and told a 17 year old boy at a party who’d just been making out with another girl that the colour lipstick he was wearing didn’t suit him, and that he should try mine…

If I am older than you, but not dressed provocatively, not forward, not aggressive, not interested in sex right away… Am I still a Cougar? If I’m just doing a little innocent flirting, but happen to be older than you, am I still a cougar? If you ask me for my number, if you call me and ask me out, if you date me and chase me and you make the first move,  but I’m 7 years older than you… Am I still a Cougar?

I asked a different male friend this very question. Apparently… YES I would still be a Cougar. You want to know why? (he says) Because even if I’m standing in a corner and keeping to myself, YOU approach me – YOU make the first move…. My very presence in the same club or pub or restaurant means I must be on the prowl.  If you’re not hunting for prey, what are you doing there in the first place.  (Cue me choking here.)

In other words… Please ladies – if you must age… do so at home!

Obviously I don’t agree with this line of thinking. Cougar-hood is all about a woman’s attitude towards sexuality with men. It’s about being overt, a woman who openly seeks to satisfy her own sexual desires. It’s being obvious and forthright.

I also don’t believe that women who choose to decline the title are women insistent on maintaining an inferior, more vulnerable status, which is the thought of some feminists.  Just because I’m more like Charlotte than Samantha from Sex and the City, doesn’t mean I’m weak, or against women’s rights for equality.

I’m not really a cat person anyway. I’m allergic to them so to me their pests. I’m definitely a dog girl. So yeah, guess what I’m saying is I’d rather be known as a fox than a cougar.

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2 comments

  1. Andrew North · May 6, 2010

    Very nice Cindy!

    I don’t believe your mate who said you were still a Cougar just for being in the same venue though!

    Seems some of my info was put to good use!

    Miss you guys and still haven’t seen that beautiful baby girl of yours… I hate long distances!

    xox

  2. Pingback: How You Can Date A Cougar? | HowTo Date a Cougar

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