NOTE: Just because since the birth of my second baby my blog posts have been very infrequent, doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing stuff. I have. It’s just a little kooky. But that’s what happens when you have sleep deprivation. Your brain starts melting in it’s own skull, kept alive only by a crying baby that needs you, and random fantasies. The following is one such selection of fiction. I wasn’t under the influence of anything other than 1am, then 3.30am, then 5am wake-up calls.
Me: Hey there. Chuck. (looks down, laughs nervously)
Chuck: Hey. Whatcha got there?
Me: Uuhm this? It’s ahh. Well… it’s a Paddle Pop.
Chuck: A Paddle Pop?
Me: Yeah, it’s…. Well – it’s basically just ice cream. Chocolate ice cream. Well, technically choc banana, but on a little wooden stick.
Chuck: Oh right. Yeah I know, I diffused a bomb with one of those one time.
Me: Really? Wow. Huh!
Chuck: Yeah. Yep.
Me: So would you like one? A Paddle Pop? It’s just that, well its hot today. I mean, I was hot before so I thought some icecream would cool me down. And you seem like you’re feeling a little hot.
Chuck: Yeah some stuff’s been pretty intense today.
Me: Really? What happened?
Chuck: Can’t talk about it. But I will say, I was NOT prepared to karate ass kick a bunch of terrorists before lunch.
Chuck: (continuing) I mean it was bad enough they blew up the hospital, good thing they called me in time or I never would’ve saved everyone. I was in a Cobra when I got the call so you know…
Me: (nodding as if I totally know)
Chuck: Let’s just say we broke air traffic regulations to make it in time.
Me: Right. (biting top lip) So you want a Paddle Pop?
Chuck: Nah. I’m good.
Me: I mean, I know it’s not like, a healthy…
Chuck: Hey. I never said nothin’.
Me: I just thought you might want to cool down.
Chuck: That’s why I carry this canteen filled with river water.
Chuck: Well, you seem like you’re enjoying it.
Me: Yeah. It’s one of my fav….. Aaah. I have to suck it slowly like this because my teeth are really sensitive. I can’t just bite into it. I’ll get brain-freeze.
Chuck: Brain freeze?
Me: You know, like a cold headache.
Chuck: (looking away, as if distracted) I got a cold headache one time. A Neo-Nazi General was holding my face against the wheels of a tank that was driving on ice.
Me: Lucky you have that beard!
Chuck: Mmm. Maybe I’ll go wait in the F22 Raptor.
Me: Cool. I mean… Hey you wanna hear the joke on the Paddle Pop stick?
Chuck: Later sweetheart.