(As seen in Darwin Life Magazine – June 2011 issue)
Today I woke up, opened the windows, and shivered for about three seconds. Then I remembered that the dry season has arrived. Cool. I put on some jeans, vomited out sunshine rays, and went on with the knowledge that life in Darwin was about to get very entertaining. If you’re not sure what you should be doing in the dry – I’m here to tell you.
Grab your friends and do outside stuff on the grass: Frankly, I want to be outside when it’s 6pm and there is a drink in my hand and tapas on a plate in front of me. When I’m sitting on the ground, it feels like there are ants crawling up my butthole. And no! I don’t want to go on a picnic. Making food is one thing. Asking me to carry it, along with my own plates and chairs is just rude. I can eat a perfectly good salad in a restaurant and not when midgies are going to eat me alive.
Go to Fannie Bay to see the whoreses on track: For some females, the Darwin racing carnival is like a contagious virus known as Territory Scrubber. The symptoms are feathers, vadge grazers, and poorly applied fake tan. Whoreses also carry bottles of booze around in their hand like it’s an accessory.
Rediscover you hair straightener: I tried to straighten my hair back in December because my hair is a suspected terrorist so I torture it by rubbing it with hot irons. Ages later, my hair was socially acceptable so I went outside. The second I closed my front door, the humid air bitch slapped me across the face, gave me a wedgie and stole all my lunch money. My ends curled up and the hair around my face frizzed out like I had my finger in a socket. My hair is a stupid idiot in the wet, but the dry makes all that straightening worthwhile.
Barbecues: Eat meat until you throw up.
Mindil Beach Markets: Forget personal space. This is a fantastic spot to visit if you’re in the mood for a grope. I can’t count the number of times my boobs have walked into someone. Go right ahead and pinch that backpacker’s arse. They’ll turn around to see whodunit and get lost in a fragrant sea of meat smoke, BO and sunset.
Turn off your air conditioner: Enjoy your power bill going down by $3000.
Finally, if you find yourself wondering if Al Qaeda has retaliated by dropping a mini Bogan-bomb on Darwin… No. This will be the sign that the V8’s are in town. Actually I love the V8’s because there’s always a slight chance that I might go deaf from the sound of the revving motors, and I’m like Indiana Jones; living on the edge of danger. While you’re there, deep throat an icy pole by accident, because there can only be one ‘Stig’ but anyone can be inappropriate.
Ahh yes, Darwin in the dry. Thank you. Because like reality cooking shows, Bangkok’s nightlife and the Kardashian sisters, I rely on you for extreme entertainment and there’s honestly nowhere I’d rather be.