If I was running for Prime Minster

I’m a political nerd. While the rest of the country is thinking, “Enough already!” when they see an ad come on TV, I stop and turn up the volume so I don’t miss a single word, even if I’ve already seen said ad ten times in the last 2 hours.

I LOVE soaking in all the newspaper reports, news reports and social commentary around election campaign time.  I haven’t always done this and admittedly I’ve voted plenty of times in ignorance. But perhaps since studying politics at uni, my appetite for hearing and reading from political leaders and their policies is insatiable.

Have I lost you? Don’t stop reading just yet. I promise I won’t delve too deeply into actual politics.  But I MUST give some background….

In my first semester of politics we learnt about the sacking of then PM, Gough Whitlam by the Governor General:  It went against every constitutional practise in our country. The historical moment in Australian politics opened a can of filthy worms and left political experts wondering: Where does the real power lie? Who has ultimate say so? How can this happen?

Surprisingly, an equally shocking event happened less than two months ago when a Prime Minister serving his first term was sacked by his own party.

My only conclusion from these events is that Australian politics does what it likes. Sure – there’s a constitution… but that was out of date the day it was written. Sure – there’s political practise that seems like a very well oiled and tightly run ship… but even that ship gets leaks and cracks.  

So when the lights go out at Parliament house, I wonder… is it really just about WINNING?

It seems to me each party find a topic of public interest, support it either for or against and hope that the majority of the public agree with their opinion. Which got me thinking.

 I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT!

With that understanding of politics, and a vast knowledge of my own strengths and weaknesses – here are my policies for leading this nation. Do not be alarmed if you find yourself agreeing with me.  I’m naturally gifted at making my answer the ONLY answer.

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THE REAL ME

Because that’s what Australia wants isn’t it? To see the REAL candidate running? The REAL person leading our country? Vote for me and I’ll let you watch me squeeze a zit on my makeup free face in the mirror. I may be a woman, but Women’s Weekly BE GONE! You can shove your airbrush and ‘guest editor gig’ where the sun don’t shine. Because that’ not me. In fact, if you want to see the real me you should arrive outside my house with a chainsaw at 7am in the morning and turn it on. Or you could cut me off in traffic. Oh yeah – that crazy bitch that looks like she’s talking to herself– that’s the real me.

NATIONAL DEBT

There are two types of people in this world (and coincidentally, 2 types of political parties). Those who produce and save, and those who consume and spend. Being the tragic shopaholic and ginormous spender that I am, clearly I fall into the latter, so why would I commit to policy that went against the real me??

Yes debt. We will have it.  What’s the big deal people? I’ve heard debt is good for a nation because it’s money spent on an investment in our nation’s future. THANK YOU to the economic wizard who said that! I have been trying to convince my husband of that same truth ever since we got a joint bank account.

Look, as a nation we can’t afford to buy cheap. We need to spend big on EVERYTHING! And EVERYONE! Who cares if we go into debt? Clearly from accounts I’ve read and heard – not many!

For example: The $150 shoes I buy from Nine West break in three months and become irrelevant.  The $450 shoes last well over a year. Sure – that’s more than average to spend on shoes, but the fact that they will see me though numerous seasons make them actually very affordable when you consider the alternative.

I’ve been in debt before….  I can proudly say I had a black spot against my name on credit lists around the country before I was 23. Because when you see something broken that needs replacing, or you notice a newer version, or you are made aware of new trends in fashion – you don’t want to miss out.

I would not want anyone in Australia to miss out on anything.

Not hospitals, not schools, not refugees, not small business, not big business, not unemployed, not expecting mothers, not young children, not the indigenous, not public transport, not the housing market, not those living in big cities, nor those living in remote areas… NOBODY MISSES OUT UNDER MY LEADERSHIP.

Because if we’re brutally honest, we only vote for the person that looks after OUR OWN interests. We’re a selfish bunch.

I’m not mentally ill, so why should I vote for someone who’s committing millions to that cause. But tell that to the guy who’s been suffering depression for 15 years. See? You have to please EVERYONE. And I will go into BILLIONS of dollars of DEBT to do that. Consequence? Puh! I’ll let the next government work that out and they can be the wankers that give nothing to nobody.

I know Australian families work hard to earn money, but in order to make us thrive, I need to spend that money.

TAX

Well someone has to pay for all my spending.  

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Of course an election campaign is nothing without involving the media. Do you think the media would eat me ALIVE during my campaign?

ABC’s Tony Jones would …. Although given the massive consumer I am, I would probably eat him first. Or offer him $100 bucks for his tie. $200 if he threw in those spectacles.

Channel Nine’s Laurie Oakes could not call me bile. Bile is produced by the stomach, and therefore a product. Consumers tend not to produce anything but debt. However he could very well call me a joke and a disgrace. Which if he sees me rant abuse to the dude with the chainsaw…. Yeah. Not pretty.

Then there’s the Channel Ten journos… The Bald and the Beautiful: Paul Bongiorno and Sandra Sully. Paul would grill me on my plan for the economy and discredit my campaign with past history of an unpaid Optus Mobile phone bill that doubled, then tripled when the debt collectors added their fee. Then – he’d have a good ol’ laugh when I told him the phone was in my ex boyfriends name. Sandra on the other hand would go easy. Knocking me down with a feather she likes to call: The Hard Hitting Question. “So Cindy, IS THIS the real you?”

ABC’s Annabel Crab, that savvy little mynx, would no doubt twitter to the nation that she saw me in Witchery, recklessly spending on the new season’s slouch pant. Damn the slouch pant. It’s so hard to be an upright political leader when you’re slouching.

Kochie. Oooh, tough one. Financial journalist turned morning show host…. Please don’t ask me serious questions. Please just ask your segment producer if I can skip the economic banter and political spin and be on your Angel panel. I give good advice on many issues – especially WHERE to shop for a bargain. I’ll let the nation see the real me and wear my PJ’s on set – sans bra!

And finally back to Channel Nine’s Today show. They know better than to get all serious. Nobody cares over there about my political background and qualifications. Take Karl for example.

Believe it or not he actually comes from a large family of news-men, his parents have seemingly produced deep-voiced, hair-challenged spawn in plenty: well respected media men around the globe. So no wonder that every now and then, Karl will deliver a journalistic pearl so full of insight, intelligence and sophistication that it resonates with me all day, affecting my world view and political stance at the deepest level.

But I have a feeling the segment producer would prefer me to come on the show and cook my world famous, master chef worthy meatballs.  Should I worry about policy questions while I’m elbow deep in pork mince? Will he choose that moment to enlighten me profoundly? Or shame me mercilessly? What will he say?
“Ooooooh, meatballs!  How good are meatballs?”

 And after reading the Australian, listening to talk-back radio, watching the Press Club / Town hall meetings and debates…

I’m almost certain that the media would take me about as seriously as a certain middle aged red head with a penchant for wearing pearls and attempting to look pretty at all times, who possesses a slow and slightly ocker accent, while puppeting the views held by other senior members of my party.

I’m referring of course to Pauline Hanson. You knew that right?

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3 comments

  1. Sian Bell · August 19, 2010

    Great article Cindy, I smiled and nodded all the way through esp the Optus bit, I saw that film too. I was just wondering if you know what Julia Gulia has been spending 100 mil a day on? The Libs keep going on about her spending it but won’t tell me what on. Now if it’s the day to day running of the country well………. fair enough. When you think about it for more than 2min there really is a lot that needs to be financed. BUT…….. if it’s shoes! Well we’re in a little bit of trouble. Could ya find out for me? Please. ta x

    • cyclonecindy · August 19, 2010

      hahaha. I wonder where that 100 mil is going to. I’ve heard it said at least ten times by Tony, Barnaby, Joe, Bronwyn and then last night on Lateline Tony Smith said it debating the NBN.

      Why do they leave that part out???

      Not sure what you’re referring to with Optus, and seeing that film too?? That really happened to me. Didn’t pay the bill, stopped using the phone, 2 years later my ex goes to get loan for one million to start his business and they deny it becuase of my unpaid bills. HA! That’s what you get for being a control freak and wanting to have access to my list of called numbers. It was my birthday present one year, but he kept it in his name. Sucker!

  2. Sian Bell · August 20, 2010

    Hiya, ‘by I saw that film too’ I just mean the exact same thing happened to me. Only no

    ex-boyfriend. Just kept moving a lot so kept missing the bill. hahaha

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