(As seen in July 2010 Darwin Life Magazine)
I remember at age 14, watching TV and seeing something remarkable. Magnum P.I. His name was Tom Selleck and he was Hubba-hubba Ding-ding! It’s etched on my brain forever because it’s the first time I felt attraction towards a man with a chest of hair. And as I sat there staring at the screen, hypnotised by the follicular growth that would make a gorilla jealous… I knew at that moment! I’d become a woman!
These days most men have received the memo: Body grooming is good. It became popular around the same time as the birth of that new word – Metrosexual. A time when Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was a top rating show. Yes– what was once considered feminine practice has become the norm amongst even the blokiest of men. No longer just for frou-frou, fastidious guys anymore, routine maintenance is almost expected. It’s not unusual for men to be dipping their manicured fingers into your night cream. It’s also not uncommon for the uber-masculine to be manscaping: Removing body hair; trimming the hedges and de-forresting the trunk.
Some believe you’ll not only appear cleaner, but you’ll also enhance muscle definition and keep the body cool. And ‘weed whacking,’ or ‘trimming the man hedge,’ provides the optical illusion of a taller tree. Besides, nobody wants to look between the thighs and feel the urge to call their local CSI’s.
Some men among you may ask… You think I should trim WHAT? So here’s Cyclone Cindy’s guide to Manscaping.
Ears, nose and eyebrows: Eeeuw! Gross. Nose and ear hair isn’t appealing in the slightest. It makes me want to vomit. And eyebrows? You really should have two. Separate them if they’re not already. Also, looking like you have 2 witchetty grubs resting on your face was not a good look for John Howard, and I’ll guarantee it’s not a good look for you either. But be careful, becuase neither is looking like they’ve been sculpted more than Michelangelo’s David. Ahh, unless you’re going for the Michael Jackson look.
Back and Shoulders: Absolutely no. Get rid of it. All of it. Let me make this perfectly clear: There are conclusively NO circumstances where this is ok. It is simply unhygeinic. I mean how do you know you’re not harvesting fleas? Besides, if you happen to live in Darwin like I do, you don’t want hard up journalists from the local newspaper reporting another YOWIE sighting.
Chest hair: This one depends. If you ask me, pectoral fur connotes virility: A tough guy who’s burly and sweaty with a hint of natural, dragon-slaying scent. In a rugby match with Colin Farrell and Hugh Jackman against Ashton Kutcher and Robert Pattinson, I’m backing Team Chest Carpet. As previously mentioned, I’d rather snuggle into a nook with a warm rug like that of Roger Federer’s than slide off Mr Bigglesworth. HOWEVER (and this is extremely important information.) IF you’re cursed with limited chest hair, do yourself a favour and clip that mangy pathetic excuse of a cricket growth OFF. (It’s a cricket growth if there’s no more than 11 each side… ) Like a balding man sporting a comb over, you’re only fooling yourself.
Wedding Tackle: I’m hesitant to offer advice. If you want to learn more there’s a plethora of instructional videos on You Tube. I will say this though: There are 2 looks to avoid: the Crotch Fro and the Baby Stewie.
Overall, nobody but Channel Nine reality shows like obsessive gardeners. So with that in mind, find balance.
Borat is NOT a role model, but neither is Bruno. And whatever you do stay safe and choose your removal technique wisely!