A letter I doubt I’ll be sending… to Brad Pitt

Dear Brad

I’ve been meaning to write this letter to you for a few weeks now, and had almost decided not to worry about it, but then I saw the below photo of you and really felt it was something I needed to do on behalf of women all over the world.

What I’m trying to say is…. Thank you.

Thank you so, so much for finally locating your razor blade, obviously misplaced somewhere in the depths of your bathroom cabinet.  And thank you for using it on your face.

I don’t think I’m alone in suggesting that you were starting to lose your looks, if that’s even possible for someone as genetically blessed as you. But these pictures of you taken last week have proven that Brad Pitt: Sexiest Man Alive, never really left us.

Now that that ugly little patch of pubic nothingness has been eradicated form your chiselled jaw-line, I’d be interested to know – WHAT were you thinking?  Not that you’re unfamiliar with facial hair. You’ve had your bearded moments in the past…

Also,  I realise you’re a busy guy. A successful film career, the founder of numerous do-gooder projects and six kids; with apparently another on the way through adoption. I have just one daughter, and sometimes I struggle to find the time to remove all my unwanted body hair.  But Brad, I loathe every moment that those little hairy knees of mine look up at me, and that’s why about 4-6 weeks of it is all I can take.  But you!!! You let that sloppy little dishevelled chin mess grow for at least 6 months. You were starting to look like the guy that lingers outside the shopping mall who hasn’t washed his pants in months and begs for cigarettes from strangers.

I have noticed over the years that you like to replicate the hairstyle or hair colour of your current lady friend. It started early on with Juliette Lewis and has continued right up to your current relationship with Angelina Skank-face Jolie.

If you don’t believe me, look at these pictures below.




You know what, looking back at images from the SALT premiere last week, I have a tiny inkling that you and Ange have been to the skin doctor.  Looking very refreshed – the both of you. And again – matching hair colour.

Look hate me, but I’m going to say it… You belong with Jen. The best you ever looked was in Troy. Okay and maybe in Ocean’s Eleven. ELEVEN! Not 12 or 13. You know… the’ Jen years.’


Anyway, I won’t harp on about that. I’m sure you’ve heard it plenty from your mum. And besides, you well and truly declared your life-long love for her over the weekend.

Well that’s about all I wanted to say. Thanks. Truly, thank you.

May the paparazzi continue to hunt you down like a beast and capture your image for the world’s women and gay men to gaze upon fondly.

Yours shaven and 100% hair free.


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