When thoughts of ‘What to do?’ become thoughts of ’What to eat…?’ I can almost predict that in a few weeks my jeans will be tight and I’ll be cursing myself for even venturing down the confectionary aisle at all.
Sometimes (usually times when I’m happy with my weight) I assure myself and others that my food issue days are over. That my relationship with food is on track and that we have put all of our differences aside forever and instead have become good friends: Respectful of each other, and kind to each other.
BUT! If any weight creeps on – and it only takes a couple of kilos – then I find myself facing all kinds of emotions I’d forgotten about: panic, fear, self doubt, self loathing…. and a severe hatred and obsession with food.
So in the last 2 weeks I’ve gained 2 kgs. No big deal. I can lose 2 kilos in 2 days if I really want. Can’t I?
When I try to lose weight – I can’t. When I gain weight, I find it impossible to forget about food, because suddenly I’m panicking about every morsel that I put in my mouth.
But when I forget about food – that’s when I seem to maintain a healthy weight. And that’s why being busy is the best thing for me physically and mentally. Having nothing to use my brain for makes me resort to using my hands to feed my mouth instead.
Right now there’s plenty I could be doing. Washing, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, sewing on buttons, making crafty things, baking banana bread…. BORING!
This doesn’t exercise my brain. Shopping! Now that’s good brain work. I think if I could shop all day every day I would never physically desire food. NEVER. Because all my urges for consumption would be being met in wonderful little shops that smell divine, where they wrap everything in tissue and put it in a lovely little bag.
Yes. Sadly, when I ‘m bored – I eat. Food fuels my body’s urge to commit to an activity. What to do? What to eat?
That fear and panic I mentioned… it’s already here. 2 kilos and I’m freaking out. Food seems so dangerous right now, in fact food is the antichrist and succumbing to its delights will only make me miserable. Must. Practise. Will power…. Must. Resist. All. Food.
I can recognise how ridiculously unhealthy that statement is…. But they are some of the truest words I have ever typed.
This is partly why blogging has been better for me than a thirty minute a day walk. Every day I wonder… What to write about? What’s happening in the world? What sites will I visit? And as I wonder, I’m usually consuming a fairly healthy lunch, but Im not thinking about the lunch… I’m thinking about other stuff.
But today (as I’ve discovered happens occasionally) is one of those days I can’t get inspired. Hmmm, let’s see what’s making news? Sandra Bullock kissed Scarlett Johansson at MTV awards? Covered that yesterday. Adriana Xenides died? Sad but what is there to say…. The amazing and remarkable cleaning powers of Chucks Magic Eraser? Hmm, no. Paris Hilton launches her 10th fragrance? Yawn! Hmm. What will I write about? What can I eat?
So here I am writing about what to write about in an effort to keep a safe distance from the fridge door, where White Chocolate Tim Tams a jar of Nutella and Butterscotch Ice cream are waiting for me.
Absolutely, and that is why I have compiled the following list of the top 10 things to do when you’re bored and find yourself hankering for a mid-afternoon chocolate binge. Please note, none of these activities require chores or female homeliness.
1. Start a children’s novel. I’ve read like 1,000 and think I could do an ok job.
2. Get onto You Tube and watch everything on Britney you can find: From all the wacko fans that wish her and Justin were still together and have made ridiculous tribute movies, to the wannabe Britney impersonators who have made home videos dancing in their underwear in their lounge rooms with their BFF (or worse – mum) recording. You might still be bored, but you’ll be morbidly fascinated.
3. Get in your car and go shopping.
4. Go to your closet and try on the smallest, tightest fitting pair of jeans you have. If the muffin top doesn’t keep you from scoffing half a pack of Tim Tams, nothing will. If you don’t have small jeans, try on your wedding dress, or even just a formal gown. Preferably one that clings to your curves… no spanx allowed.
5. Write a list. Things to do. Things to buy. Things to clean. (You must not actually clean – just write about what needs cleaning), Things to fix. Or my personal favourite: Countries to visit when I’m 40.
- You were so dumb back then
- You were such a bitch back then
- You were so YOUNG and attractive and well rested back then
- You had SUCH good times back then
- Food was so insignificant back then because you were too busy having fun.
7. Re-organise your nail polishes. Decide which colours to chuck (anything resembling blue please?) and which to keep (red never goes out of fashion) then give yourself a little mani/pedi. I my case, this also involves plucking toe hairs out so as not to distract from the pretty colour.
8. Browse through the IKEA catalogue. That should take you through til dinner time when It’s ok to eat again.
9. Sit on the toilet and read a magazine. I MUST note that I don’t normally condone sitting on the toilet for anything other than toilet biz. In fact I don’t understand why men everywhere think this is a perfectly acceptable place to relax with a good read, other than the possibility that it’s comfortable for their nadgies given that they can hang freely over the bowl….. HOWEVER – reading on your couch may prompt a “Hmmm, a cup of tea would be nice. Tim Tam to go with it perhaps?” And before you know it the pack is almost empty. I highly doubt you will have the urge to eat or drink anything while sitting on the loo. If you do? You might want to see someone about that.
10. Make a phone call to someone you miss, who also lets you do all the talking. Sorry, but this means anyone with problems or issues is off the cards. If you’re busy listening, then you might want to occupy your mouth.
And that’s it. Meanwhile, it’s almost been an hour since I started typing. That’s one whole hour I wasn’t tempted to visit the fridge. And now, I might take some of my own advice and participate in number 4, followed by number 10. Who will I call?
Perhaps a therapist, to discuss my severe issues and bad relationships with my body and with food.