The Flirt Locker (Darwin Life Magazine)

 

As seen in May 2010 Darwin Life Magazine

I don’t want to be a traitor to my home town and all, but I just don’t get how Darwin guys attempt to ‘pick up.’

In a town heavily populated with 18-35 year old males, it’s fair to say Darwin has the Mother Load of single blokes.  Many of whom SUCK at chatting up girls.

I guess you could call them Mother Suckers.

There’s a different social etiquette up here. We’re more relaxed and informal. It’s not bad – but it can become boisterous, rugged and blunt.  So when you equate that to flirting and the art of seducing a woman; as I said, you basically suck. 

I have been approached by some of you in the past, although I am married. Unfortunately when you’re on the dance floor not everyone has a clear view of your ring, especially when you dance like me – with your arms in the air like you just don’t care…

Look if I had to bet on a croc making the front page of the NT News, or a girl being approached by a raving freak who’s overindulged in the all-you-can-eat Protein Powder Line – well you know.

I believe the term “The Hurt Locker” is military slang for ‘a bad and painful place.’ Well single men of Darwin…. Do you know how many times women have been forced into the hurt locker from your atrocious attempts to flirt?

 

You need some direction. So here it is: Cyclone Cindy’s top 5 flirting tips.

Tip 1.
Don’t tell me you were out til 6am, had 3 hours sleep, went to the gym, and now you’re doing it all over again like it’s cool. I get it. You like to party… and you’re often still awake when the sun comes up. So is the guy who collects cigarette butts off the foot path.

Tip 2.
Don’t tell me you work in ‘treasury’ like that means something to me, or like it’s a big deal. You can only use your job to impress me if you’re an astronaut, a surgeon, or Rafael Nadal.

Tip 3.
Don’t surprise me with a drink unless I say, “Surprise me.”  I know, I know… ‘Viva la Jagerbomb!’  But I’d prefer that a guy I just met doesn’t see me skull a drink that burns my throat and makes my eyes water.

Tip 4.
Don’t comment on my clothing. Unless you’re gay, in which case you probably stopped reading this six paragraphs ago. You’ll more than likely make me feel like a slut, or a school teacher. A slut I can work with. A school teacher dresses for comfort. Would you like me to call your penis cute? No! No you wouldn’t. Same thing.

Tip 5.
If we haven’t locked eyes, if I haven’t played with my hair (totally subconsciously of course), if I don’t have your name, if I haven’t smiled at you…. DO NOT rub your magic wand up against my butt cheeks on the dance floor. I can see you have a good body, I’m sure your colleagues at work think you’re irreplaceable, and I’m confident you you can bench press whatever… Just don’t.

So there it is. Don’t take it personally – A for effort. I DO understand it can’t be easy seducing a girl in a typical Darwin pick up joint. Dark places that smell like a piece of old cheese in a sock hardly set the scene. So  – Good luck!

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