Australia’s Got Talent, and other lies on TV.

A few weeks back after a crappy Tuesday, I decided to foot-up it on my couch and watch some telly. I know, you’re riveted at this point. Just keep reading….

So after a few flicks of the remote, I decided to watch Australia’s Got Talent. What I can’t understand is why the title of this show doesn’t end with a question mark. Because the way it currently reads is extremely misleading. Also, there should be a sub-title for the show that says: Because our judges certainly don’t.

Actually as far as I could tell, the only one with any talent was Dannii Minogue’s makeup artist. Admittedly I only started watching mid way through. But still. It was enough to turn me off for good. Not only did I have to tolerate the smug ramblings of Kyle Sandilands through facial hair that needed removing about 5 years ago, I then had to watch him attempt hoola hooping.

One of the contestants had been hoola hooping as a ‘talent.’ Unfortunately for her, once you’ve witnessed the contortionists at Cirque De Soleil do that, no other attempts to hoola hoop really falls into the talent basket. Yes her attempt was disappointing enough, so I’m not sure why Kyle felt the need to get up on the stage and give it a go. It was kind of like watching a sad pig roll its way out of a gutter.

It was also screaming evidence that people who are good at radio should stay on radio. And only on radio.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, it was followed by a guy in raver pants who was dancing like he’d downed a few eccys before getting on stage.  So although he couldn’t actually dance, the enormous amount of serotonin racing through his veins made him believe he could. Hard to watch?

It got worse! Because we then saw Brian Mc-I-Love-To-Wear-Necklaces get up on stage to show that “he could do better.”  Wow! Memo to Brian: I’m not sure what the rules are in Ireland, but here in Australia, Moonwalking should not be attempted on National television unless you actually can.

So I began wondering if this was a new format for the show; whereby the judges follow the contestants on stage to show how “they can too.”

You can imagine my dismay when next up was a pole dancer. Good grief. Please Dannii, you’re 7 months pregnant, stay in your seat when this is over. I should thank the pole dancer by the way… for showing me the entrance to her uterus.

The compelling viewing closed with a man who boasted to have 3 ex-wives, and 3 children. He sang a song, his own material. Interestingly the song had just 3 notes.

So did I watch again to see who made the finals? Mmmm. No I thought it would be much more pleasant to stick bamboo into my fingernails.

Speaking of TV shows that are misleading…. Here is one I would call a big fat lie. Hey Hey It’s Saturday!!!!!  

Can anyone in Australia explain this? Apart from the fact that it goes to air on Wednesday nights, it makes me want to take to my television with a chain saw. I am unable to sit through Daryl’s forced humour or tolerate his cheesy grin any more than I can take the high pitched verbosity of Ossie the Ostrich.

Okay, so part of my beef might be with the nine network, the writers, the producers and directors, but they don’t make me want to take a hot iron to their faces the way I do with the pink bird.

As Kamahl said, “It’s desperate. It’s toilet humour and it should be flushed.”  But Daryl Sommers keeps ignoring the numerous calls and messages from 1989. They just want their show back … is that too much to ask?

It’s not that I mind a bit of old school telly. I’ll happily slip on my déjà vu jumpsuit for a classic Happy Days or Family Ties episode. But Hey Hey It’s Wednesday? No. I’m done with that show for good.

And what about Master Chef? I realise it’s a ratings dream come true, but I think a more fitting title would be: Master Multi-Cultural Cry Babies.  Could the contestants whose parents were all mostly born outside Australia stop crying please?  You know what else? Meatballs gone bad does not make a “journey!!” 

Perhaps their tears are a result of week’s worth of holding in total disgust as judge, George eats and chews with his mouth open. Yeah, that would make me cry if I saw it in the flesh.

Not wanting to pick on only Australian Television…

What has become of Two and a Half Men? The show’s title no longer resembles the truth.  The show may actually be over, (Charlie Sheen is currently trying to squeeze $2 million per episode out of producers), but you can’t refer to that kid Jake as a half man anymore. He’ll be 17 this year, and he’s huge! In fact if the show does continue, his height and weight alone should warrant the re-titling of the show to be “2 Men and a Giant.”

And finally, what about that good old day time soap, The Bold and the Beautiful.  Granted, I have had my addictions to this half hour of drama in the past. There’s something comforting about watching a show you haven’t seen for 7 years, only to discover the story line hasn’t changed. Brooke and Taylor are still fighting over Ridge and their children.

The title no longer holds true either, and should be called The Weird and the Whacky, because on what other show are there that many near incestuous relationships? Like the romantic attraction shared by Rick and his former half-nieces Phoebe and later Steffy, and their mother Taylor. Eeeuw! There’s nothing bold or beautiful about that.

Well there’s that, and the other title idea I have called The Botoxed and the Bizarre. You can’t tell me Dr Taylor Hayes hasn’t had any work!


Thankfully, there ARE some TV shows that don’t lie to us or try to fool us with fancy titles. They simply tell you exactly what to expect.

Shows like LOST. Never before has a story line been so dreadfully misplaced. Never before have I actually felt so lost watching tv. I’m not alone either. This week the last episode ever went to air, and never have I read so many confused or disappointed references to a show in facebook status updates.

And of course, it would be remiss of me to not mention another great show with a simple title that clearly explains the concept, the emotion, the entire experience from 8pm through until 9pm. Thank you channel ten. Thank you FOX.


Because by definition of the word alone, Glee means delight, pleasure, joy, exaltation.


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