A letter I doubt I’ll be sending… to the Blue Wiggle

Dear Anthony

I’ve noticed you’ve been bleaching your teeth. Or maybe you just got a whole new set?  Hell we all know you can afford it. Whatever, they’re very white now aren’t they?

I noticed this morning – when I glanced at the tv and was nearly blinded. Is this an ongoing thing? Or was it a one off dental treatment? Either way – it’s time to lay off.

Actually – you could do that, or the other option is that next time you and the other wiggles get together; you all discuss the issue of your teeth. You all have matching outfits, so perhaps you could put it to the other wiggles, Murray in particular who has a mouth that looks like a can of kidney beans, that they consider bleaching too, you know, so you all have matching smiles.

Here are some before and after shots I found of your teeth.

before
after

If you’re going to recommend your dentist to them, perhaps give them a heads up and tell them to ask your dentist to go easy. Because Anthony, your glowing smile is…. well let’s just say in the event of a black out you could reflect light off your chompers and lead the children and animals to safety.

It might also be worth mentioning to Sam that if he doesn’t want to, no drama. Not only because he’s only been a wiggle for a little while, and might not have the cash flow the rest of you have, but also – he’s WAY younger and so his teeth aren’t so bad, but he will have to keep a close watch given that his shirt will only bring out the yellow in his teeth. If you don’t believe me, see Greg’s teeth in the before shot.

And look while we’re on the subject of uniforms, can you possibly mention to the wardrobe department, it’s time to lose the big belt buckles featuring the wiggles logo. It’s on your shirts, it’s in practically every song – we know who you are, I don’t need to read it above your crotch as well.

A wiggly wiggly thanks,
Cindy.

PS – I know he’s your special friend, but could you please also ask the script writers to kill off Henry the Octopus? Or at least make him mute? Please? I mean, come on. Watch this and tell me it’s bearable.

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