A letter I doubt I’ll be sending….to Lindsay Lohan.

Dear Linds

I hope you don’t mind me calling you that. My uncle’s name is Lindsay and he’s a bit crazy too.

Look I really want to thank you. This past 12 months you have made my life so entertaining. Your gradual and agonising demise into celebrity insanity has not only kept millions of photographers and gossip writers employed, your life has given me something to think about. You do confuse me, but I think that’s part of your appeal. I hear your name or see your face on a mag cover and think with delight, “Ooh, what’s she up to now?”

Hey do you remember when you looked like the above photo? I don’t know what you think when you see it – but I think how glad I am that these days you’re looking more like this:

or this

The fact that your hair (and nose for that matter) probably see more chemicals than a science lab, that you forget to wash off last night’s makeup and that you haven’t wasted any of your money on exfoliant, your intense dependence on black leggings and fur jackets, and your sad devotion to your very own range of self tanners and posing in your undies  – only makes you more endearing.

I LIKE that lately you have 3 basic poses in magazine shoots: the orgasm face, the “I’m half asleep but look – I can still smoke a cigarette” face, and the “this is what my underwear coming off looks like” pose.  I LIKE that you are writing your own memoir that will probably go something like this, “Scored a movie role in The Parent Trap and then Herbie, and then Mean Girls. Sang about my dad in prison, Paris Hilton called me Fire Crotch. I stopped eating for a while, and then remembered a movie I once made – and decided to get FULLY LOADED…. The rest is a bit of a blur.” I LIKE that you fill your shoes with talcum powder and have the world wondering if you’ve invented a new place to store your coke.  I LIKE the fact that you constantly open yourself up on Twitter to the haters. It reminds me what can happen when you do. Like this from your ex.

Lindsay Lohan: i need MORE followers i am so sad about this, how can i tell everyone about my 6126 full collection COMING OUT! all clothing
Samantha Ronson: @lindsaylohan i’ll only follow if you’re starting a cult driven mass suicide.

Even if she did follow it with this:

Samantha Ronson: @lindsaylohan apparently people don’t get my sense of humour- oops. i’ll start the cult- you come join me!!!!

I LIKE that you showed us the mountain of mess that is your wardrobe on Celebrity Insider – Hoarders. I LIKE that you continue to stumble out of nightclubs with your mother, 15 year old sister and about 3 body guards at 4am while covering up your face and you’re your dignity with a big handbag. I LIKE that after being refused entry to Dior’s show in New York fashion week, you tweeted all about the obvious mistake with the guest list, I LIKE that your father is a loose unit and has a fixation with talking to you via the media, I LIKE the fact that you single handed-ly drove Ungaro’s Spring Line into the ground by co-designing a line that included nipple stickers shaped in love hearts, and I LIKE the fact that the amount of times you’ve shown us side-boob outnumbers the amount of movies you’ve made, or hit singles you’ve had.  And speaking of songs, I like that your most recent song STUCK –  is all about you. I guess that’s good. It means you won’t change anything.

But Linds, what’s this I hear…. Are you coming UN-STUCK…. You went to India and made a documentary where you saved children’s lives – you say! Does this mean sobriety for you? Modesty? A new demure Lindsay?  I’m not sure what this means for you. Maybe not much.

Whatever happens this year, I know we can all count on you. Not only to keep us entertained, but also to keep hundreds of people in jobs. Even if you can’t get one yourself.

Thanks again,


PS – Can I borrow your black suede ankle boots with the peep toe, and the fringe around the top… you know the ones you wore at your 23rd birthday gig. Mine got misplaced last weekend when I was pulling my undies half down for a photo shoot….. you know how it is.


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