Enhance & Protect

No I’m not talking about wood polish, or outdoor paint, or sunglasses, or special acid-free photo albums. What I’m referring to is the BUTT BRA and the Va-JJ VISOR.  I promise I’ll lay off  the V-J’s after this for a while…  But I’m starting to think there are more people overdosing on kooky juice than we realise.

I think those body slimming underwear tights like Spanx and Nancy Ganz (I call them suck‘em-ins) are genius.  A garment that has stopped me from worrying about what I eat the day of a night I will be wearing a fitted evening dress, and one that has saved celebrities thousands for red carpet appearances when previously liposuction was their only resort.

I didn’t make that up – Sandra Bullock (prior to the devasating news that her husband is a douche) may have been joking  about it, but it does happen. A top Hollywood plastic surgeon, Dr Patricia Wexler described this story…..

 “I have had designers demanding liposuction for an actress who didn’t look as good in their gown as they wanted her to. One designer rang ten days before the Oscars complaining that it was impossible to change the dress. It was a really low-back dress and the star’s waistline wasn’t smooth enough. The dress required this long, elongated waist. I did the lipo and on Oscar night she looked great.”

 SIDENOTE: Can someone PLEASE airlift this designer onto the set of The Biggest Loser? There’s a great big bowl of perspective waiting for them….

But some entrepreneurial genius, who obviously saw a niche in the market for a garment to further enhance one’s derrière, has come up with the Butt Bra called the BINIKI (Bikini scrambled), a product four years in the making.

It claims to do for your butt, what bras have been doing for breasts for centuries and creators believe this product will step forward and fill the void because after all, the trend of “Going braless didn’t last very long.”  The Biniki promises to hold up the buttocks, provide support, smooth out thighs, provide a put-together look, maximise small bums but flatten big ones.

??? okay….

The garment must be put on sitting down and once high on your thighs you stand and move the leg loops into that “sweet spot – which is right beneath the buttocks where they meet the thighs.” 

Gee I’m glad they clarified that for me. I could have been left there for days wondering which part of my boochos was supposed to be sugar coated.

I wonder if you can combine both the BINIKI and the SPANX. Would that work? Could I have my 22 year old bottom back?  And what about the VPL? Or in this case the VBL? I can’t imagine ‘working it’ in those elastic bands wearing a  light jersey knit fitted dress.

But wait – there’s more…. Because men deserve a lift too! The MAN-iki.

So I’ve met a few guys in my time with generous bottoms. Not fat – but, you know when some guys walk and it looks like they’re packing Christmas Hams back there. It’s (in my opinion) a good thing. Much better than a protruding butt and far superior to having no butt at all… so could this be their solution?

Here is the Maniki.

They claim guys, that it makes you look more masculine, but I would like to refute that comment. I can’t imagine a girl thinking “ooh, he’s so manly” upon seeing a man strip to reveal that thing attached to his groin region.

And now, the invention we’ve all been waiting for…. the Va-JJ Visor

 I can’t bring myself to comment on this so I’ll let their website do the talking….

The Va j-j Visor is a revolutionary, (REALLY?) protective shield designed to help protect all of those tender and sensitive parts that you don’t want exposed during various methods of hair removal.

 

Brazilian and bikini waxing, depilatories and shaving, hair colouring, tanning or spa treatments. It can also be used as a hygienic shield while trying on swimwear or intimate apparel, and during body piercings and tattooing. It naturally fits the shape of your body, while your body’s natural muscular tension holds it effortlessly in place. It is also hypoallergenic, disposable and recyclable.

Recyclable?  Ech!

Okay, one quick comment… On the website, they claim this product provides 100% satisfaction.

Did they leave some other functions of the visor out?  Because I’m wondering how this provides users with 100% satisfaction. Does it vibrate? Does it have attachments you’ve failed to mention? Perhaps it’s edible – and really delicious…

They also make sure they are recommending their product to the correct demographic. They ask: Who can use the Va j-j visor? If you have the appropriate anatomy (if you are female) it’s right for you.

Well I would be up in arms about this if I was a transvestite. They do far more bikini waxing, depilatories and shaving, hair colouring, tanning and trying on intimate apparel than most women, but sorry guys. You have the wrong ‘anatomy.’

Finally – I think they could broaden their demographic by selling it as a female version of a ‘box’ similar to what men wear while batting in cricket. Not only do women play cricket too, but I think this would be beneficial to gymnasts who use the beam.  Ouch!

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